Loving Phil
by PhanGirl2015
Summary: Jessica is an aspiring YouTuber, who manages to meet the infamous Phil Lester. But this story is far from simple, as Jess learns that not every love story is shared and just how hard it can be to fix a broken heart.
1. The invitation to YouTube HQ

"Come on! Only fifteen left! I'm so close now!" I say kneeling by my laptop, which is on my bed. Pushing my duvet into a large ball in the corner of my bed, as my excitement and anticipation grows to its extremity. "Oh, ten!" I clamour, getting closer to my screen, I retain my eyes on the subscription box with multiplying numbers. As I see the number multiply again, I shriek and bounce on my bed, I'm too volatile to sit still.

I pick up my laptop, I hold it in my arms and I hit F5 to refresh my page. I exclaim "Woohoo! I did it! Yay! I did it," I dance around my room, not caring about the cords wrapped around my ankles. I said loudly "Yes! Twenty thousand!" I almost threw my laptop onto my bed and immediately ran downstairs to announce to my grandmother "Gran, Gran! I've reached 20,000 subscribers!" Gran looks up from emptying the dishwasher with a rare creeping smile on her face "Jess that is wonderful! You've spent so many hours on your videos."

I lean over the dishwasher, hugging my gran "I'm so proud of my little YouTuber!" I remind Gran "Gran, I'm not little anymore! 28 is not young and I'm not entirely sure if you could classify me as a proper YouTuber. As you have to have 200,000 subscribers to get invited to the YouTube Headquarters in London." Gran replied "Well I'm over the moon for you sweetheart." She returns back to re-filling the dishwasher and I walked back up to my bedroom, lying down on my bed and smiling happily as I glance over my channel and say to myself "well, I'm only nine hundred and eighty thousand closer to one million." I shut down my laptop and go for a shower and go to bed.

 **THE NEXT DAY**

I log onto my laptop to check my emails and I have one new email, which makes my heart skip with joy. I read the message from the 'YouTube admin', which said that I was invited to an exclusive event for 'upcoming' YouTubers, with talks, tips and stories from experienced and more well-known stars. Without even thinking I emailed the YouTube admin back and immediately went to look for train tickets to London. Because I live 2 hours away from London, the ticket prices are cheap, but I know Gran needs me but I have to go because I said I'd go. I sigh quietly whilst looking over at my coffee jar full of all my money I had got from my job. I had been saving it for a deposit for a house or a flat or a car for the future but I guess I'll have to use some of the money for my trip. With short breaths I click "buy" and I start to plan the journey.

I had a full time job at Apple store in the local shopping mall, and as they only employed me and this other girl, I was assisting people with their Apple product problems pretty much 24/7. It completely exhausts me out, some days I don't even get home until midnight, my eyes on the verge of closing, but I still find time to make videos. I spend 90% of my time at work and then the other 10% in front of the camera or sitting at my desk, editing. My life was not the greatest, in fact far from it, but YouTube was my escape. From all my stresses, worries, my work and reality. Which was why being invited to an official meeting with YouTube, made me feel extremely excited, the most excited I've felt in years. The one thing that I was worrying me the most was that I get really awkward around some of the most amazing people in the world, especially if my one true favourite YouTuber would be there, Phil Lester.

I get up from my bed and start getting ready for chaotic day at work, brushing my brown shoulder length curly/wavy hair into a low ponytail. I look in my mirror sighing as I see a few acne spots on my chin. My nose crinkles, my brown eyes squint and my thin, slightly wonky lips fall into a forced smile "come on, hell awaits." But I know that thinking about the meeting would keep me sane. It would be something to keep me going, in just two weeks I would be there in London, the place where all hopeful YouTubers long to go to.


	2. The First Meeting

I settle down into a window seat, armed with three quarters charged iPad mini 2, a box of Cadbury Roses, a new R.L. Mullineaux book and my phone. The rest of the train was full, our town is so busy that nearly everyone knows everyone, most of them knew about my trip to London. I look out of the window as I start to move, steadily, then faster as I yawn, as I had to wake up at 7am to get on the train, to arrive in London an hour early so that I could acquire for traffic.

Each stop, brings about a couple boarding onto the train, looking half asleep and staring blankly into space at their phones. I laugh inside my mind, British trains were exactly the same every time I use the tube. They're always silent, always boring and always disappointing. Never the less, I was over the moon, it has been so long since I last went to London, let alone going a few miles out of the safety of my town. I remember once Gran taking me and we went to the London Eye and I cried the whole way round; that was the day I found out that I was scared of heights.

I was going to get the train back after the event finished that evening, but it would be half past twelve in the morning and Gran doesn't want me on my own at the time of night, so she insisted on paying for a hotel for me to stay in and she made me promise to ring her when I got to the hotel I was staying in.

One hour and thirty minutes into the journey, and I was bored out of my brain. It was so bad, that I started to think that work was way better than a train journey. I had finished my box of Cadbury Roses, I turned the last page of my book and I watch in despair as my iPad screen turns to black. To keep myself sane, I invented a game inside my head. It's to look at all the people on the train and try to create a back story for them.

I start with a woman across from me, dressed in a white suit. Her back story was that she was an undercover spy, working for Russia, sneaking into London to blow up Buckingham Palace and to expose the Queen's most dark secrets. I go to the next person and the man sitting next to the Russian spy is an astronaut, who just got back from living in a rocket for 18 months. He's here to mingle with people and he tries to remember how to act normal. Oh yes, he's just fallen in love with the Russian spy.

Lastly, we have the hugely suspicious man who appears to be eating his own moustache. I try and try to think of an explanation for his particular behaviour but I give up, settling for that he is placed on this train to puzzle people and see what actions put people off. Finally, we pull into Paddington and I am the first one to walk off the train and I start to explore London. My legs and back ache from sitting down for so long. So I decide to walk to YouTube instead of a taxi.

I got there ten minutes early, but there was already a large group of girls in a circle, all chatting away and giggling. There was also another smaller group of people, full of boys fighting and yelling at each other. I avoid them and take a seat in the corner, not allowing myself to be put off by the fact that everyone has made friends. I'm not prepared to mess another thing up, just because I am on my own. I'm not five anymore, I can cope with the odd one out.

A woman walks into the room, holding a clipboard, who coughs for the attention of everyone, it takes a few seconds for the girls to completely settle down. I curse them inside my head. The woman says "Right, so, I would like to start things off with a massive hello! And a warm welcome to YouTube HQ. I'm sure that you will have seen this place mentioned before in many videos, so you will realise just how lucky and talented you are to be here today. We pick only the best new coming stars of the small screen and you all have the potential to make it, of course some more than others. So today, we would like to offer you the chance to improve your video making skills, editing skills and get hints and tips of how to get a larger audience with even better content. So do that, we've also called in a few big names of the website to give small talks to you and give you the chance to ask them some questions. Just a few words of warning, do not waste this time by fangirling over these YouTubers, because I can assure you, that would be a big waste."

A few giggles go around the room and I start to wonder whether I should just go, do I really want to spend a day with all these teenagers? All hoping to hit the one million subscriber's milestone. Or should I just go home, help Gran with the housework and keep on making my videos the way I have always made them. I mean, I must be doing something right to even get one subscriber.

The woman says "Right, let's get started, please take a seat." She waited for everyone to grab a seat, the excitement was mounting in the room, too late to turn back now. The woman returns to talk "I would like to introduce our first guest speaker of the day, someone who needs no introduction, but I'll give you a clue. He's the mostly amazing!" A few screams go round, mine included as Phil (Philip) Lester walks calmly into the room, waving and giving us all his smouldering smile.


	3. The Accidental Accident

I sit in complete awe as he starts to talk, not being able to take in that he is actually stand in front of me. Phil Lester, my most favourite YouTuber in the entire world, is standing right in front of me and I'm not even listening to a single word that he is saying. I snap back into reality and start to focus on what he's saying. Oh, it would be so easy to do, if his hair didn't look so fabulous and if he hadn't dressed so amazing and he wasn't wearing his heart melting, so insane that it's amazing, smile on his face.

So I sit there, watching him as he walks about, waving his hands so passionately and seeing the twinkle in his eyes when he was talking about his videos. Little did I know, that would be the first of many times I would notice that twinkle, that special glint which never failed to make my heart skip and my head feel dizzy with wonder. Phil says "so, that is basically everything. I hope that I haven't completely bored you all, or made you all think that I'm some crazy guy who has no idea what he's talking about. Thanks for listening guys." He finishes, as we all erupt into an applause and he blushes. "Thank you Phil, that was great! I think that everyone enjoyed that. So we'll have a break now and afterwards we're moving onto a new, original video ideas."

I watch as a load of girls go straight over to Phil, all squealing and getting out their phones to take photos. I hang back, not wanting to look like just another fangirl, which I really was. Instead I walk over to a table with drinks and snacks on and I pour myself a cup of tea and munch on a biscuit. "Good choice." I jump at the sudden voice behind me, spilling my tea a little. I turn around and to my shock I see Phil, "I mean, their my favourite biscuit, so good choice. Sorry I didn't mean to make you jump."

He grins at me and in that moment I felt as though I would just crumble to the floor in happiness. "Oh…right. It's okay, I'm fine." I stumble out, trying my hardest to keep cool and not ruin my moment with Phil. He chuckles awkwardly and I sense that he is about to walk away, "that was a great speech." I quickly say, as he relaxes a bit "oh, thanks. I wrote it last week." I laugh, still unsure of what to say. Phil replies "Well, I couldn't help to notice anyway, but are you here all day?" I try my hardest to sound so casual, "um, not sure. I might go into town and do some shopping after this, so maybe just another five minutes." "Oh, okay." I said disappointed. "Phil! Phil! Can I have another photo? The last one was blurred." A girl with short jet black hair pops out of nowhere, holding out her phone towards him. He looks apologetically at me, and then smiles at the girl "sure."

I walk off, even though I had just met my idol, I felt down and I couldn't think why. I finish my tea, looking out at the view of one of the large windows; at how impressive London skyline. I realise that I need to use the toilet and follow a sign, through a door and down a corridor to the ladies. I walk down the stairs to reach the door, but on my way Phil shouts behind me "those are closed, you need to go back up here." I turn around to look at him, but as I do I lose my balance on the narrow step and find myself falling down three steps onto the hard floor.

"Oh God! Are you okay? I'm so, so sorry." He bounds down the steps, running towards me, "are you alright?" As he asks me, I try to assess the damage done to me "uh, I think so," I say unsure. He holds out a hand to me, helping me up. Apart from the shock, I seem to be okay, but by the look on Phil's face, he must have seen an injury "what it is?" I ask. "You're bleeding on your leg. I think you cut it." He bends down, making it hard for me to see the cut "Yeah, it doesn't look deep, but you need it cleaned."

"Okay, ugh! I'm so clumsy, why did I have to ruin today?" I say angrily at myself. "God, I'm so sorry" he says again, actually looking very upset. "It will be okay, but I don't want to show them my injury, they'll probably send me to A&E and then it would take all day." "If you want, I could take you back to my flat. I think we have a first aid kit somewhere." "Really?" "Yeah, it's the least I could do. Seeing as I caused the accident. It's not too far to walk." "Well if you're sure…" "Yes! Of course. Though, do you need some help up the stairs?" I follow his gaze back up the stairs and nod sheepishly, though after what he had said, I was in cloud nine, like nothing could ever possibly bring me down.


	4. Phil's Flat

"Here we go, sorry that you had to walk." Phil says while he unlocks the door and I hobble in the door, my mouth drops as I step inside the famous flat. I feel completely out of place, like a lucky fan who won a competition to go to Dan and Phil's flat, "just take a seat." He pulls up a chair from the dining table and I sit down gratefully, "I'll just go and find the first aid box. I'll be back in a minute."

I take a look around the room, taking in every little detail and trying to create a mental photograph, so that I can always remember this place. I hear two voices from another room, I recognise Dan's voice and I feel excited at the chance to meet him too. Phil walks back into the room a few seconds later, holding up a small green bag and smiling cheerfully, "success." He says, while placing the box on the table and rummaging through its contents.

"Okay, I found some wipes to clean the cut and then could I place a plaster (Band-Aid) on?" He offers, clearly enjoying being a doctor. "Sounds good to me Dr. Phil. I'm in your hands." He kneels in front of me, I watch the concentration on his face as he very softly and carefully dabs my leg. I find myself transfixed by him, watching the slight crinkles round his eyes as he stares at what he's doing.

I wince slightly as the wipe touches my skin, he looks up straight away, a worried expression on his face, "no, it's okay." I reassure him and continues with his work. As he finishes cleaning, his hand touches my leg, sending my whole body into a moment of shock and delight. Like I have electric sparks running through my leg, up my body straight through to the core of my heart.

"Done!" He sits back, as he places the plaster on my wound, "thank you so much Phil, you saved my life." I joke, relaxing as he stands back up again, tidying away the first aid box, "it's my pleasure young lady." Then his hand shoots up to his mouth, his eyes widen in a moment of realisation "what is it?" I ask, feeling a rush of nerves, "I don't know your name!" He says, looking terrified, "oh yeah! I'm Jessica but I prefer to be called Jess, lovely to meet you." I hold out my hand and he shakes it, "what a beautiful name Jess, I'll make sure that I don't forget it."

I giggle and then there is a long moment of silence, as I realise that I should probably leave, but just as I am about to suggest it, Dan walks into the room "Phil, where did you say you put the charger?" "Um, it's on my bed. Dan, this is Jess by the way." He waves at me, as if I was an old friend, "Hi Jess, lovely to meet you! I'm Dan." "Hi Dan." I say, almost shaking from the nerves from meeting both the boys, in their own flat. "I'm actually a huge fan of you both," I admit and I was scared that they would want me to leave immediately.

But they turn to each other and together they laugh, "Really? That's great," Phil says, "yeah, I've been subscribed for about four years now." "Wow that's impressive, though I have to ask. Who's your favourite?" Dan asks, both of them clearly enjoying themselves, "um, that's a tough one but, I can't say for sure and partly because I don't want to offend either of you."

They both laugh again, "okay, fair enough. I'll ask again later then, once you've got to know just how awesome I am in real life." Dan laughs and walks off, leaving me hopeful, that perhaps I will get to know them both better, "so what do you want to do?" Phil asks, standing over above, "well, maybe I should go actually. I do not want to be more of a bother to you and Dan," I stand up, trying to regain my balance, Phil luckily grabs my arm, just before I fall over. "No, not really. I can't let you go in the condition that you're currently in, so you may as well hang out here until your leg is better." Phil says to me.

"Okay," is all I can I could manage to say, as Phil moves me over to the sofa and even fluffing (plumping) up a cushion for me. "Do you want to watch a film?" Phil asks. "Yes!" I say a bit enthusiastically, "Great, do you trust my judgement or do you want to choose the movie?" "No, no. You pick the film, I'm sure you have perfect taste."

So Phil picks a film, puts the disk into the DVD player and he sits down next to me on the sofa. We sat together, watching the film, on the same sofa. Dan joins us half an hour later, armed with a bowl of popcorn and between me and Phil. We continue to watch the film, laugh and joke, chat and eat a ton of popcorn. By the time the end credits appeared on the screen, I am 100% sure that I just had experienced the best two hours of my life, of course I wouldn't dare tell Phil and Dan that.

"That was great," I say whilst stretching and yawning. "Yeah, it was. Oh god, its five o'clock already!" Dan says, checking his phone, "oh right, we should get ready then." Phil replies, and I know that I am in the way of some important event that they need to go to, "sorry Jess, it's just that we have a meeting with the producers at the radio station in an hour, we kind of have to go." "No, it's fine! I had a great afternoon, thanks so much guys." "That's okay, we should do this again sometime." "Yes… Oh, I do live about two hours away from London though, I had to get a train here today." My mood plummets as the chances of us meeting again disappeared instantly, "oh okay. Well the next time you're down here make sure to pop around here. We might take you to dinner or something." "Sounds like a plan," I say to Phil and Dan.

I manage to stand up by myself this time, as Phil goes to grab my coat for me, "hold on though, you were at a YouTube event, do you have a channel?" He asks. "Yeah, I do. It's not the best, but I love making videos, it's an escape from reality for me." "What kind of videos do you make?" "I do advice on certain topics, vlogs and videos a bit like yours." "Sounds fab! What's your name? I'll check it out." I feel anxious about Phil watching my silly little videos, but this is a dream come true to have someone like him watch them. "It's called MissKittyChatterbox." "Right, I'll have a look this evening, MissKittyChatterbox. It was great to meet you." "It was out of this world meeting you." I reply, walking out the door.

"Well, hopefully I might see you around in the future. Let me know when you're next in London." "Yes, definitely! Thanks for letting me into your flat, I can't actually believe that this happened." He chuckles again, leaning against the door frame and I take one last mental image, of Phil Lester, grinning at me, his eyes twinkling and his hair shiny and perfect. His Gengar t-shirt sitting perfectly around his torso, his jeans clinging slimly to his legs and his thin hands by his side.

"Goodbye Jess." "Bye Phil."


	5. The Comment and Exchanging of Numbers

An hour later from leaving Dan and Phil's flat, I check into my hotel and I immediately collapse onto the bed, overwhelmed by the extreme, unexpected events of the day. I ring home to Gran, deciding for now to brush over the part where I abandoned the workshop and going back to two guys flat. She seems distracted, so I am grateful when she leaves for five minutes later. So I can then just relax and of course watch some videos.

I catch up on subscription box, read any new comments left on my most recent video and indulge in watching Phil's videos. Just after I had finished watching his video about his 'Contact Lens incident', I go back to my channel and to my surprise I see that there is a new comment on one of my videos from Mr. Lester himself.

 _Hey MissKittyChatterbox! Your videos are great! I was laughing out loud (lol) through most of them and you give some of the best advice on YouTube. I subscribed! Can't wait to see more of your work._

I squeal and start crying a little as I read and re-read his comment. Imagining his voice reading to me. The fact that I can make him laugh and he thinks I give good advice is the best news and feedback that I have ever had. It inspires me so much that I get out my notebook from my bag and write down a new video idea to shoot when I get home. It's about unexpected events that may occur and change your life and the way you view certain things forever. I decide to name the video; 'The most wonderful things'.

 **THE NEXT DAY**

I wake up early, feeling different and full of sense of excitement. I shower and dress quickly, keeping an eye on the time for my train, seeing as so many go past my town. I let myself read Phil's comment once again, seeing a couple of replies underneath. All wondering how he found my videos and how lucky I was. Yesterday was my own little secret, something that I knew that would stay with me for a very long time, but what I didn't know, was that it may not be the last time that I would see Dan and Phil/

I leave the hotel at ten, with three hours to spare, I walk slowly to the station; stopping to take in the view of the busy city. I am just five minutes away from the station, when I stop at a little shop to buy a drink of water and something to eat for the oncoming train ride home. As I walk out of the shop, shoving my bottle in my bag, when across the road I spot Phil, walking fast and looking down at his phone, "Phil! Phil!" I yell, waving my arms in the air like an idiot. I sprint over to him; only just dodging cars.

He looks up from his phone, just as I reach him, out of breath, "Jess! Hey, what are you doing here?" He stops walking, smiling as we move out of the way of the pavement. "I'm just on my way to the station, but I saw you across the road. I also wanted to thank you as well, I saw the comment that you left me. It really means a lot, thanks." "Oh that's okay. I meant what I wrote, you have talent for making videos, and I think you can make it." "Really?" "Yes, absolutely. Hey, the next time you come to London, we'll make a video together, that's a promise." "No way! That would be insane! Thank you so much, I'll have to make sure that I come back here soon." "Shall I give you my number so you can text me when you have a date free?" "Yes, yes!"

We exchanged numbers, it takes me a few goes to type his number though, and my hands could not stop shaking. "Right well, I'll see you soon. Have a safe journey home, Jess and keep on making those videos!" "I will, bye Phil!"

I skip to the station, my feet don't seem to touch the ground and I find myself trapped in a bubble of warmth and happiness. Clearly to Phil, I was more than another one of his fans, he had even suggested that we do a video together! At the time it seemed completely crazy to me that someone as talented and popular as Phil was interested in working with a, nobody like me. Though at the back of my mind, I was a little worried about the tiny fact that I lived two hours away from him and the price of tickets did the favours to my pocket. But what about Gran, she wouldn't want me to be going all the time into London.

Nevertheless, all the way home I replay my day with Phil and all the things he had said to me and just how amazing yet surprisingly different he'd already made me feel. It was like I had been living in a room of black, heavy smoke and now someone had opened a window and the smoke and fog was clearing. Leaving a white, fresh room which was letting me breathe.


	6. The Call

"There she is! My little superstar! Half the town is talking about you going up to London by yourself. How was it sweetie? Did you make lots of new friends? Did you meet anyone famous?" These are the questions I am hit with as soon as I get off the train. My Gran locks me into a tight hug, squeezing me tight, but just the way she knows I like it. "Yes gran, I had a great time! I love London so much." Is about all I could manage to say, as she takes my bags off me and we start walking, the short distance home.

Over a cup of tea and a couple slices of cake, gran's real interrogation begins, starting with the train ride there. "Did you find the place alright?" "Yes, I didn't get lost at all. It's not actually as scary and big as it might seem." "What were the people like? Were there any YouTubers?" "Yes . . . Phil was there actually." "No! No way! Honey, that's amazing!" Gran hugs me again, knowing just how much he means to me and I know that she won't believe me when I tell her the next part of the story.

"We hung out a lot actually, I kind of hurt my leg and he took me back to his flat to give me a plaster then we watched a film for the rest of the day." Her expression changed from a cheery smile to a disgusted frown. "What? What's wrong?" "You went back to a stranger's flat, just for a plaster? Could you just buy one in a shop? How could you trust him so much Jess? I thought you knew better!" "No Gran, its fine. Plus he's not really a stranger, seeing as I watch all his videos and he was kind and nice to me. He wouldn't ever do anything bad Gran, I promise." She calms down a little, though she's clearly not happy with me and I know that she won't be as happy to let me go back to London alone again.

"Look I'd better get going for work now Gran. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I know that I can trust Phil. He's . . . he's different." I stand up, walking out of the room. "It's just that Jess." I stop and turn around, "He clearly likes you, I mean it was trusting him to let you into his flat too. You may have known him, but he didn't know you." She made a good point, one I haven't even dared to think about. Of course I found him extremely attractive, god-like even, but never in a million years did I think he may think the same about me, "just out of curiosity, does he have a girlfriend?" She asks, looking thoughtful. "No, in fact nearly every one of his fans ship him with his housemate, Dan."

She doesn't say anything else, so I go upstairs and I get changed into my red shirt with the Apple logo on it and my black jeans, otherwise known as my dreaded work uniform. I head outside, plugging in my earphones and blasting my music so loud that nothing else can get into my head. Not my worries about work, gran, money, moving out or even about Phil.

 **TWO WEEKS LATER**

I let myself in, shivering, freezing and exhausted. I chuck my bag and jacket on the stairs and look for gran. I find her upstairs, talking on the phone to someone with her door to her room closed. I hover outside, listening to her conversation, I can see her through a crack in her door, and she is frowning and screwing up a piece of paper into a ball. "Yes, well thank you. I'm sure that she will be pleased, no that's fine. She should be any minute now. No, I can pass the message on, yes that would be okay. Okay, okay bye.

As soon as she hangs up, I walk in, sensing her nerves and stress. "Oh there you are Jess. How was work?" "Hell, as usual. Who was that on the phone?" "Oh that was nothing sweetie. Listen, I've been thinking, I have been saving up some money now and I would love it if you used it to go back up to London for a couple of days. It should cover the tickets, a hotel and food for you." "Gran, I can't use your money to go to London. It's yours." "Exactly my point, I decide what to use it for and I want you to go and enjoy yourself. Go for a week, take some time off work. You deserve it Jess." "Really?" She nods and I leap on her, kissing her head over and over and hugging her uncomfortably tightly.

"Get off! You'll break your gran. Why don't you text Phil, see if you can meet up?" "Oh, I know what this is now! You're just doing this to hook me up!" I joke, letting her go, "no, seriously. You said that he wanted to film with you and this is the perfect chance. Text him! Do it now!" She finds my phone and passes it to me. "Alright, alright." I say, already feeling the butterflies in my stomach from even just texting him. I hadn't gotten in contact with him since I saw him the other week and I was sure that he didn't want to see me again anymore, but seeing as Gran was paying for me to go to London, I felt as though I should.

 _Hi Phil, it's Jess here. I was wondering, what are you up to this weekend? It's just that I'm planning a trip up to London and I thought we could meet up. Don't worry if you're busy._

After I decide that the message is casual enough, I press send and nearly throw my phone across the room with nerves, "well don't get your hopes up Gran, he won't text back and if he did he will be too busy. But just as I finish speaking, my phone beeps with a new message, "read it!" Gran shouts, gripping my arm. So I pick it up, barely able to read through my excitement.

 _Hey Jess! Great to hear from you again. This weekend sounds great! Don't worry about getting a hotel, you can stay at ours so you can save the money if you want. Can't wait, when does your train gets into the station._

"Well, I guess that I'm going to London then!" I shout, jumping up from the bed and dancing around the room like a crazy person.


	7. The First Night in Phil's Flat

I ran the fastest that I have ever ran in my life, this was the Friday night after work. Sprinting to the station and jumping onto my train as its doors started to close. I sit in the empty carriage, leaning my head against the cold window and closing my eyes enough that the view outside turns into a few blurry lines of light. I felt relieved, as though I wasn't ever going to make it to London, but here I was, two weeks later after buying my ticket for my second visit, on my train of escape, a weekend full of happiness and Phil ahead of me.

I tuck my legs up on my seat, feeling chilly and suddenly feeling very alone. I play with my hair to keep my mind occupied, something I did when I was anxious or just needed something to do. I plait my hair and run my fingers through it and plait it back up again, over and over till eventually some more people get on the train and I start to relax more.

All the time I imagined the weekend, how Phil will be, whether he will keep his promise and will actually make a video with me and mainly, I think about what gran had said, if Phil did fancy me, then what would happen? Would he make the first move? How would I react?

One and a half hours, I text Phil, saying that I am close to arriving. He had agreed to meet me at the station, saying how I would never find my way back to his place. Of course I was extremely excited about seeing him again, but as I neared London, I couldn't shake off the feeling that he didn't like me and I was just an annoying fangirl to him. But, seeing as I couldn't turn back now, I put on a brave face and push all my thoughts to the back of my head, where they would stay until Monday morning.

I walk off the train with a crowd of people around me, the evening settling in as the sky turns from grey to black. I walk off the platform and start looking around for him, trying to look out for his hair from the mass of people standing around. However, it's him who finds me first, running behind me, slightly out of breath, clearly late.

"Jess! Jess, over here!" I turn around, a massive smile hitting my face as I spot him, holding out a bouquet of flowers. "Phil! Hey!" I call out, walking towards him. We hug, I breathe in his scent and savouring every last second, "how was your train ride?" he asks, stepping back. "Not too bad, very quiet and very cold though." "These are for you by the way. They caught my eye on the way over here." He passes the flowers and I take a long deep breath of them, "aw, thank you Phil. No one has ever brought me flowers before, that's so sweet."

"Are you hungry? I thought that we could go and grab some food if you want. I know this place that is quite nice and where Dan said that he could meet us." He offers, as we start walking to the exit, "Sure, I'm starving. I actually came straight from work." "Wow, how was work?" "Rubbish, you know, I hate work. Honestly, I don't know why I'm still there." "How long have you been there?" "It started off as a weekend job when I was in school, just to earn money, but when I finished school, I didn't have enough money to go to University, so I stayed there and went full time." "What do you want to do?" He asked. "That, is probably the hardest and scariest question I am faced with to be honest. I have no answer."

Judging by the silence that had followed, I must have scared Phil slightly because I am defiantly scared by myself by being so open and honest "I'm not sure what to say exactly." He admits, turning a corner in the street. "That's okay. I wasn't expecting you to give me a long lecture about finding a job. It's kind of nice, just being able to talk and not needing to have a reply back." "Good. Well, this is the restaurant." He says, stopping outside a small Italian restaurant and opening the door for me.

Two hours later, the three of us arrive back at the boy's flat, tired, and full of food and laughing away. "I'm stuffed." I complain, pulling off my coat, "me too, great food though." Dan says, turning on the lights in the flat and turning on his laptop. "You must be shattered now Jess," Phil points out, just as I yawn. "Yeah, it's been a long day." "Shall I show you the office, where you're going to be sleeping? I'm afraid you're on the sofa, but it's not too bad."

I follow Phil to the office, a room I had seen plenty of times in the background of his video and on his live shows. The sofa was pulled out and a duvet on top, and feeling like I did, it looked the most comfy bed in the world, "The bathroom's just down the hallway, on the left just so you know." "Thanks, I think I'll go to bed now actually." "Okay. See you in the morning then. Sleep well Jess." "Night, Phil." He lingers in the room for a second more and I am hit with the urge to just reach over and kiss him and it is right there. In that moment, I find myself deep, deep, head over heels in love with Phil Lester.


	8. Morning Perks

The next day, I woke up to the sound of the TV in the other room and Dan singing along to the theme tune of the show he's watching. I chuckle, as I stand up, stretching my arm out and already looking around the room for my hairbrush. I spend longer than I usually do, brushing out the mess of what my hair is and I pull on a hoodie over the top of my pyjamas.

By the time that I was ready to go out to the living room, Dan is gone, so I sit down on the sofa, turning my attention to my phone to catch up on twitter. I get up to get a glass of water a few minutes later. As I walk back into the living room I see Phil, "morning." I drop the glass on the floor in shock at the sight of Phil in his boxers and only his boxers.

"Oh God, I'm so sorry." I say, feeling my cheeks turn a bright red, as I pick up the glass off the floor, "no, I'm sorry. I should have put something else on, I forgot that you weren't Dan." I avoid his eye contact and hurry into the kitchen with the glass. I lean on the counter and I have to take a couple of breaths to calm myself down.

The sight of Phil, just standing coolly in his boxers, was enough to make any person go into shock and make a fool of themselves. Though, I cannot seem to stop myself from remembering his white, smooth torso and his hair. His straight, just-out-of-bed hair which, made me weak at the knees. God he looked so much hotter with natural hair, which was maybe why he always straighten it (even more than it already is) in his videos.

"Sorry about that. That was so awkward," he laughs, walking back in. This time wearing track pants and a shirt. Feeling brave, I force myself to look at him and finding his smile so safe and reassuring, "yeah, it was a bit." I admit, probably won't be including that one in a video though." He takes a step towards me, "speaking of which, do you still want to film a video together?" "Yes! Absolutely," I say, a bit too keenly, "great! Well I'll go and get ready and we can film in my room in about half an hour?" "Great, sounds perfect."

I almost out of the room, suddenly on cloud nine again. I chose my best outfit I had packed to film in. A light pink knitted jumper, tucked into a black skirt with little orange flowers printed on. I put my hair into a high ponytail, pulling a few strands to hang loosely. I only put a little makeup, I never feel myself when I pile it on. Seeing my old self in the mirror was something that sometimes kept me feeling good. If a stranger looked back at me in the mirror, then that would send me over the edge.

I knock at his door at around half past eleven, excited to be in his famous room for the first time, "come in." He replies and so do I. He's standing in front of the camera, focused on the screen and the large light next to the camera. It feels extremely odd to be making a video with all the proper equipment and seeing his room firsthand.

"Wow, your room is amazing!" "Thanks." He says, without looking up, I see his awesome duvet cover, I take a seat on the bed and look around the room. "There we go, all set," he stands back and then joins me, sitting on the bed. "So I had a few ideas about what to film about, like maybe the future of YouTube, or we could ask questions comparing our experiences on YouTube," he says. "Oh, the question one sounds good and interesting." "Great! Well ladies first then. Though, we'll film the intro first, if that's okay?" I nod, taking one last deep breath in, as he gets back up to start the camera.

This when he sits, it's like he is a completely different person. He has changed to his profession, video making, and YouTube celebrity self, "Hey guys!" He starts, giving his wave, "today as you can all see, I am joined by an extra special guest! See, told you guys that I have friends. Anyway, this is Jess, Internet say hello." "Hi!" I say, waving towards the camera. "Jess has her own channel here, so of course I'll link it in the description for you guys to subscribe. Now Jess and I were wondering about YouTube and how it can be completely different for every single user, so we thought that we should ask each other questions to get a clearer view. Right, let's get started!"

"Okay, so Phil, how did it feel when you first started making videos, and you would get comments?" "It was amazing (just like me), every single time someone even viewed my videos I felt so happy and proud. Of course I still get that feeling now, just on a much larger scale. How about you?" "Pretty much the same. I read every single comment I get, seeing as I am not one of the most popular YouTubers, and just knowing that someone out there is listening, is really cool." "Okay, moving on. How do you think of new ideas for your videos and do you worry about your content?" "Ideas pop into my head at random moments for me, which is why I always carry around my notebook. I get inspiration from everything and I believe that sometime the best ideas are the simplest ones. Like just sitting and talking about issues and topics can sometimes be just perfect. So, no, I don't tend to worry too much about my content."

We carry on questioning each other for about 20 minutes, and I soon start to relax and really enjoy myself, "so I think we covered everything. I hope you guys found that interesting and tell us in the comments if you have any cool YouTube experiences that you want to share. Bye for now!" "Bye!" We both wave and grin, till Phil gets up and stops the camera.

"That went well," he says, picking up the camera from the tripod. "Yeah, I still can't quite believe that just happened." "Well it did and you shouldn't be so star struck, I'm not special. You're just as good at making videos as me. Maybe even better, I always struggle dealing with big topics, like self-harm or depression. But you always deal with them so calmly and perfectly." "Thanks." I find myself, just sitting there, still grinning away at Phil, like some stupid school girl, with her crush. Except I knew that already things were more than just a small crush, it was knowing whether he felt the same was the hard part.


	9. The Panic Attack

"So, what do you want to do for the rest of the day? I most likely will not edit the video until Sunday night, so the day is ours," Phil says, as we walk to the living room, seeing Dan on his laptop (in his browsing position). "How did the filming go?" He asks, shutting the screen down, "great, fancy doing something with us this afternoon?" "Sure, what are we doing?"

Phil turns to me, "um, we could go into town. You know, I've never been on the London Eye." I say hopefully. "Sounds great! Let's go!" Phil say enthusiastically. So we take the tube into London, and head straight for the Eye. Although, I'm still trying to get over the fact that I am going to London with Phil and Dan, who are becoming my actual friends!

In the queue, I spot a small group of girls, who are about ten metres away from us. One of them screams and points towards us and all the others turn and start running over. It's then, that I realised that the boys have been spotted by some fans. Phil looks up from his phone when the girls get closer and nudges Dan. I spot Phil give a little sigh, but then suddenly his video-making smile is on and he and Dan are walking nearer to the edge of the queue to talk to the girls.

I stand on my own in the queue, watching the boys hug and take photos with the girls. I start to find myself falling into a rabbit hole of panic. I start to lose focus, my head starts to spin and everything seems to get much louder around me. There are way too many people near me and I lost sight of Phil and Dan. I have to get away from all these people around me, so I duck underneath the rope and walk around the back of the queue, where it's much quieter.

That's when I start to hyperventilate, my breathing is short and painful and the worst thing was that I felt like I was going to be sick. I grab onto the closest metal barrier, as my panic attack hits its climax. I feel tears running down my cheeks, as I lower myself to the ground. I tuck my knees up to my chest and I burrow my head deep between my knees, hoping that the darkness will bring relief.

I don't know how long I sat there, but after what seemed like four hours, I felt a hand on my shoulders and I am aware that someone is sitting next to me and they are talking to me, "Jess! Jess, what's wrong? What happened?" I slowly lift my head up to see Phil crouching in front of me, with a very worried look on his face. But I cannot yet, seem to talk the words were stuck in my throat, lodged there.

"It's okay Jess, I'm here. Everything's okay." He says slowly and calmly, "take a deep breath in and a long one out." He starts breathing deeply and I copy him, staring directly into his eyes, trying to keep my grip. After several deep breaths, I start to relax a little and I let Phil help me stand up. "What happened Jess? I was so scared when I saw you huddled up in the corner."

"I was having a panic attack," I admit and then he hugs me. I don't normally like people hugging me this soon after an attack, but with Phil it's completely different. His arms hold me tightly, and I could feel his breath on my neck, "I'm so sorry Jess. I had no idea." He says, standing back, "it's okay," I started to say, but he interrupts me, "no, it's not okay. I should have looked out for you and not let you have a panic attack in the middle of a huge city on your own." He pauses, looking behind me at the river, "do you normally get them?" "Not as much as I used too. I had managed to control them, but every now and then it catches me off guard." He rubs my arm, and we start walking towards Dan, who is standing a few metres away. "I'm guessing that you want to go home." Phil says and I feel relieved that we don't have to stay here, "yeah, if that's alright." "Of course it is, don't worry about it Jess." He says comfortingly.


	10. The Kiss

All the way back to Phil and Dan's flat, Phil puts his arm around my waist and gives me his jacket. I can smell him on my jacket and I pull it even tighter around me, as if he was holding me twice at the exact same time. I felt utterly shaken up and down hearted after the panic attack, I always did, but this time it wasn't half as bad. The worst part was feeling embarrassed, it was like I had awoken from a terrifying nightmare and having Phil Lester watching you have a panic attack in the middle of London, was completely out of the blue.

"How are you feeling now?" he asks, squeezing my shoulder a little in support, "much better thanks. Look, I'm really sorry about that. I didn't give you any warning and just…" "No, Jess its fine. Trust me, I think everyone has had one of those moments. I'm just glad that I was there and found you before you had gotten really bad." He interrupts me and I know from the tone of his voice that he really means it. "Don't worry, we'll just have a nice quiet night in, get some pizza or something." Dan says, giving me a reassuring smile, "okay, that die sound really nice actually."

Once we got back to the flat, I took a long shower, so that I could relax and warm up. I look around the bathroom, whilst my hair soaks through. Looking at the boy's shower gel and I wonder just how many women visit their flat and take a shower here. I wasn't trying to feel big headed, but I soon realise that I was probably one of the few that did and surely counted for something. I get changed into an old jumper with jeggings afterwards, I pull my damp hair into a high ponytail and surprising myself at feeling brave enough not to wear any makeup.

After I had hung my towel on the stairs, I joined Dan on the sofa, who's looking at a menu for a pizza place, "what would you like to eat Jess? Phil and I are boring and we just go for the same thing every time. But seeing as this is your first time ordering pizza with us?" "Oh, I'm really bad at ordering. I always take forever to choose." "Do you trust my taste?" "Sure, you pick for me. Where's Phil?" I ask, as Dan finishes the order and put the laptop on the floor next to his feet and his face immediately drops when I ask him.

"Oh, he's in his room." He says slowly and I automatically get the picture that something is wrong. "Is he okay?" "Well, he does this sometimes, when something bad happens he tends to blame himself for it and he goes and sulks in his room." "Oh…right." I say with an incredible amount of guilt that I was the one that had caused Phil's unhappiness. "Should I go talk to him?" I offer, wanting to make things right. "If you feel brave enough, then sure, go for it." So I get up and walk slowly to his closed door, I wait a few seconds and then knock. He doesn't answer, so I knock again, half knowing that I should just leave him but I desperately wanted to see him.

"Phil, it's me." I say talking into the door, "can I come in?" Still no answer, but I wait anyway, "okay." He replies, taking me by surprise. I carefully open the door, as if something is going to jump out at me. I find him lying on his bed, with his eyes close, "Phil, you shouldn't feel bad about what happened. It wasn't your fault." I say, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"But if I had stayed with you and had seen that you were anxious then I could have helped or been with you." "It's okay. You didn't know and there was no way you could have known." Seeing no response from him, I moved a little closer to him, "Phil, please. Honestly blaming yourself isn't going to help at all. In fact, it's only going to make things worse. Let's just move on…please."

There's silence as my words finish and it's so quiet that I can hear his breathing. He opens his eyes and moves to sit next to me, "you're right Jess. I'm sorry, I'm not helping." "It's okay, I don't want you feeling like you're to blame. Can we just move on?" "Yes, yes of course we can." He turns to look at me and I feel my heart to a little skip as our eyes meet.

I feel his breath on my neck before I realise that he's moving in, his eyes were closed and his hands held the back of my head. I lean in too, shaking ever-so-slightly, but this feeling made my adrenaline race around my body. Our lips met and an explosion of fireworks and the heat had hit me, nearly knocking me back. We continue to kiss, slowly but gently, our bodies closer than ever before.

But then he sits back and all of a sudden reality set back in with an almighty crash. His eyes had lit up with some terror and shock and he stood up. Looking like I have just died, "what?" I say, about to throw up. He shakes his head, looking more and more horrified with every shake, "I…I. I have a girlfriend."


	11. Arranging to meet Phil's Girlfriend

There are those moments in life that take your breath away and either leave you feeling over-the-moon happy or like you have just lost the most important thing in my life. Hearing Phil say those words left me breathless, it was like the feeling of falling down the stairs and missing the last step. But this time there was no floor to catch me, it was just me. On my own.

"Wait, what?" I finally say, trying so hard not to burst into tears and just run out if the room. "Yeah, it's like my best kept secret." He says, sitting back awkwardly, playing with his hair. "Oh. Right. Who is she?" "Um, she's really nice actually. Her name is Natasha and we've been dating for about six months." "Wow, I had no idea." "Thanks… I guess."

As a painful silence came upon us. I ran out of Phil's room and as I got out of his room I went to the room that the boys had let me sleep in. When I reached the room, I closed the door and threw myself onto the sofa. I let myself cry it out, after an hour, I hear a knock at the door "Jess, Jess! It's Phil, can I come in?" "Sure," "Dan's angry at me, just so you know." Phil says suddenly, turning to look at me. "What? Why?" I say, a little too loudly. "He thinks I should have told you about Natasha earlier." "Oh… Right." I wait for him to continue, wondering what he will say, "I agree with him, but I can't change things now. Anyway, you know now. Haha you should feel privileged that you know, barely anyone does." I feel sick as he laughs, a bit upset that he seems to find things funny when only minutes ago he broke my heart. "Can I meet her tomorrow?" I ask. "I'll go call her now and see if she can." "Okay."

A few minutes pass and Phil returns "she can come tomorrow at lunch is that okay?" "Yeah." I reply. After that he starts talking about something, but I go into a daydream "Jess?" I fall out of my daydream to see Phil repeating my name. "Jess? Do you?" I realise that I have completely blocked him out and he must have asked me a really important question and now he want an answer. I desperately search my mind for an answer to a question I haven't heard. "No, I don't." I answer, and it must have been the right thing to say because Phil's face turns into a relieved smile and he hugs me tightly. "Good," he whispers in my ear, sending shivers down my spine at him being so close to me, yet so far away from me.


	12. Meeting Natasha

I didn't sleep that night, I spent the entire night wondering what Natasha would be like. Would she be a fangirl? A stunning model? An awkward teenager? All I know is that I already have a strong dislike for her and I am overwhelmed in jealousy of her. Having been so close to the gates of heaven, but finding myself rapidly crashing back down to Earth.

Surprisingly, I must have managed to drift off to sleep at some point in the early hours of the morning. As I wake up, I find the door opening and hearing two pairs of feet coming up the stairs. I sit up in the bed, yawning and I swung my legs around, so that I could stand up. It's only when I walk over to open the door, I realise who is standing outside the door. I caught a quick glimpse of her through a crack in the door and I get the feeling like I shouldn't be here.

"Well last night was so fab! The girls and I had such a great time, you should really come out with us next time, I really want to show you off babe." Her annoying, smug voice fills the room as she wraps her arms around Phil, who is looking at his phone. "Yeah, I will next time honey. You know, Dan and I have a guest though and it wouldn't be exactly fair for me to leave." A 'guest'? Is that what I am reduced to now? Phil made it sound like I was in the way, like I was stopping him from having fun. Well, I didn't need him, I was once again hit with anger as I start throwing my clothes into my bag, just wanting to get out as quick as I could.

I must have been making too much noise, angrily throwing my clothes, as Phil calls out "Jess? Are you awake? Come out and meet Natasha." I stare at the door, using every curse word that I knew in my head. The one thing I wanted right now was for the ground to open up and swallow me whole. Instead I make my way over to the door, one step at a time and slowly turn the handle and walk out into the battleground.

My mouth must have dropped open and my eyes popped out as I saw Natasha for the first time, it was like seeing a celebrity in person. She didn't look human, she was visibly flawless. Her auburn, shiny, smooth hair bounced on top of her shoulders. She towered above me, dressed in a pale pink, slim fitting dress which had ended miles above her knees, showing off her golden long legs.

"Hi! I'm Natasha, Phil's girlfriend!" She beamed at me, already announcing her 'territory' clearly to me, not that she had to worry, and no man would choose anyone else over someone as perfect as her. "I'm Jess," I say quietly, feeling out of my comfort zone for the time on this trip. "How are you enjoying London sweetie?" she asks me, talking to me as if I am a five year old. "Its great thanks, do you live in London as well?" I reply, slightly stuttering over my words. "Yeah, I moved last year, but I keep pestering this one to let me move in!" She clings to Phil, kissing him on the cheek and even kicking one of her legs up and posing for a picture no one was taking.

Phil looks embarrassed as he replies, "well it's just that Dan and I live here, so it's a bit of a boy's flat." "Well, it's going to happen one day Philp! Mark my words!" She almost sings, running her fingers through his perfectly straightened hair. "I think that I'll get dressed if that's okay." I say, turning around, very much aware of my old hoodie and pyjama bottoms. As I walk away, I hear the sound of Natasha and Phil kissing, so I decide to walk a little faster so that I don't burst into tears.

Five minutes later and I am all packed and dressed, ready to leave, even though my train isn't due for a few hours. The door opens to the office and Natasha enters, smiling that sickening sweet smile, "you okay sweetie?" she asks, sitting down neatly on the end of the bed, facing me. "Yeah, I'm great thanks. I'm just getting ready to go, I think that I'll leave you guys to yourselves." "Got that right." I look up, shocked at her sudden change of tone.

She looks back with a harsh, cold, serious look, "I think you should run along now, and it's probably best that you don't come back." She stands up, right in front of me, intimidating me, "You think that I'm stupid? Well to inform you I'm not, I can see clearly what's going on here. You think that just because Phil let you stay over and that he was extremely nice to you, that you have a chance with him. You don't! You hear me?" I am forced to nod, trying my absolute best to not cry. "You need to go and never come back and stop texting Phil, leave him alone. Because that's what you are, ALONE! And you will always be alone." With that, she turns on her heel of her shoes and walks confidently out of the room, leaving me frozen still and devastated at the same time.


	13. Goodbye London

As soon as Natasha leaves, I grab my bag and run out of the room, down the stairs and out onto the busy street. I walk quickly, breathing fast as I try to regain some control and try to make sense of what just happened. It was like a scene from a film, where the bitchy girlfriend bullies the main character and at first no one sees it but by the end everyone realises how horrible the girl actually is. Somehow, I didn't think that I would get to the happy ending of this story. I end up waiting at the station for an hour, not knowing where else to go. I get a text from my Gran, whilst I wait.

 _Hey honey, I hope you had a great trip and I can't wait to hear all about it! I hope Phil was a gentleman with you! ;) Miss you so much xxx_

I start to tear up as I read it, wishing that I could reply and tell her that it was amazing, but I can't bring myself to lie to her, but neither can I tell her what really happened. A few minutes later my phone buzzes again, and deep down I know who it is.

 _Hey, Natasha told me that you had to leave suddenly? That your train was earlier than you had realised. I hope you're okay, it would have been nice for you to say goodbye._

I can tell that he is upset that I left so suddenly and I started to feel guilty. I so want to reply and tell him everything, but I'm so scared that Natasha will read my text first and I don't want to get into anything that could end up nasty. So, my solution is to turn my phone off and countdown the minutes until I can leave and go back to reality.

 **One Month Later**

After getting back from London, my life went back to normal, like nothing had ever happened. At first my Gran kept on asking me questions about the trip and wanting to know about Phil and why I wasn't texting him anymore. I even stopped making videos on YouTube because I was too scared that Natasha would classify that as contacting Phil.

I worked as usual, came home, helped gran with housework, slept and went back to work, nothing was different. Phil had contacted me a few times, wondering if anything had happened and why I wasn't replying. He also texted me to say that the footage the we filmed had mysteriously been deleted and it didn't take me that long to piece that mystery together. It was heartbreaking getting messages from Phil and not being able to reply, I got tempted frequently, to just call him and tell him everything. But then I would think about what would happen after, would he even believe me? It was like all the noise and colour in my life had faded, bit by bit until I was left with a boring, silent black and white film. I thought that was how my story would end.


	14. Quitting and the Stranger

"Jess, would you just hurry up! The people at the MacBook's have been waiting for twenty minutes to get help! How stupid are you?" I give a look of sympathy at my boss as I hurry over to the couple at the MacBook's. It was particularly bad at work, I had been shouted at for the most of it and I was exhausted after a gruelling eight hour shift. I run to the room out back, to find my boss shouting at me again, "sorry, I'm going as fast as I can." I say, walking to the next customer. "Well it's not good enough is it? What do you think I pay you for? I can easily replace you." My boss grunts at me, as she stands across the table from me, watching my every move. Then something happens.

"Go on then!" I shout back, "Replace me then! I've had enough, I've been here for four years, worked overtime nearly every day, smiled greeted every single customer, helped out the customers perfectly and you've never even so much thanked me or talked to me with any respect!" I blurt out, silencing the entire store and shocked looks. Without another word, I rip off my lanyard and grab my bag and coat from the hook in the corner and walk straight out of there.

A huge grin breaks out across my face and I walk outside. I am suddenly met with a massive thunderstorm, immediately soaked to the bone. But I barely care as I walk through the car park and back home. I pull my thin jacket further up, trying my extreme best to keep out of the rain and jump every now and then as a huge thunder clap erupts.

It's not until I was halfway home when I see another person, standing in the distance. I keep hurrying along, assuming that anyone standing out in this rain, at ten o'clock at night in my city must be crazy. Then I get close and I see that the person is looking directly at me and to my absolute horror they started to run towards me. My heart beats at an alarming rate, as if it is going to jump out of my chest. I look around for help, but of course there is nobody else, just a figure getting closer and closer in the darkness.

I'm about to get out my phone to call for help, when I hear something, "Jess! Jess!" I look up, quaking with fear and shaking from the coldness of the rain. "Jess! Wait!" The person yells, and I actually stop walking and standing still. I don't know why but I do and then everything in my mind clicks.

He reaches me just as I realise who it is and I fall into his arms, as he holds me tightly. I can hear, he was breathing loudly and warm "What are you doing here?" I say into his upper body, still hugging. He pulls back and puts his hands on my shoulders, looking into my eyes. "I left her Jess, she's gone. I know how much of an idiot I've been and I'm so sorry, but as soon as I ended it with her. I immediately jumped onto the first train to get to you." But I stop listening after the first sentence and I lean up and kiss him.

Suddenly, I am hit with an explosion of joy and happiness. The world is once again warm, bright and welcoming. My lips feel so good against his, he pulls me tight towards him and I feel as though nothing will ever end this kiss. I would die happy if I was to drop dead in this moment. "Phil…why me?" I find myself asking him, "Why me out of all the hundreds of girls who adore you?" He looks down at me, with a look of utter love and warmth, "because, it was always you."


	15. Phil stays the Night

We walk back, hand in hand, but every few seconds I have to pinch myself, just to check that this isn't some wonderful dream. I open the front door and we hurry inside, both keen to get out of the rain and into the warmth, dry house.

"Jess? Is that you back already?" I hear gran shout from upstairs, Phil flashes me a panicked look, but I grin back, looking forward to seeing the look on her face. "Yeah I'm back. Could you come here for a second actually?" I struggle to rein in the happiness of my voice and squeeze Phil's hand to reassure him. He squeezes back and quickly plants a kiss on the top of my head.

"How come you're back so early? Was it a quiet night?" Gran asks, she appears at the top of the stairs, carrying a pile of laundry. "Actually, I quit." I say, then realising, by the look on Phil's face that I forgot to tell him as well. "What? Really?" She says, shocked. She takes a couple of steps down, still holding the pile of clothes and still unaware of Phil's presence.

"And on my way home, I bumped into someone. Phil." I say grinning ear to ear. She drops the pile of clothing and her surprised expression is revealed. "Oh my goodness!" She exclaims and races down the stairs and embraces both of us into a tight hug. "It's lovely to meet you, Mrs Moon." Phil politely, as soon as gran lets us go. "You too Phil, I've heard a lot about you!" "Gran!" I say, feeling a wash of embarrassment, but Phil chuckles and puts his arm around me." "And please, call me Angela. So, will you be staying the night Phil? I'm guessing that you didn't just pop down for five minutes." "Oh no, I'll get a hotel room, I don't be rude and intrude."

"Don't be so silly Phil, you're staying here, and I was only joking." Gran laughs as she picks up the clothes off the floor and walks off to the kitchen. "Well I guess it's settled then." I smile at Phil, putting my arms around his neck as he slides his arms around my waist, "I guess it is, you can show me to the spare room then." He teases, rubbing his nose gently against mine.

 **THE NEXT DAY**

I wake up slowly, smiling as I feel the sun on my face, a crack in my curtain letting in the morning light. I turn over to my side, about to check the time when I remember and realise who exactly I was lying next to bed with! "Good morning gorgeous." He mumbles, reaching out his hand and putting a strand of hair behind my ear." "Morning, Philp." I almost purr, as I snuggle into him and he folds his arms around me.

"How did you sleep?" He asks, playing with my fingers, sliding his fingers between mine, sending shivers down my spine. "Pretty well thanks, though I never though in a million years that I would wake up next to you." He mirrors my uncontrollable grin and we lightly kiss. After we finished breakfast and got dressed, we had decided to go for a walk because we barely talked last night about what happened and I had a lot of questions. As we stroll down the road and we talk, "so, why did you break up with Natasha? How come it was last night?" Phil frowns slightly, the first time his smile had left his face since I saw him in the street.

"It had been building up for a few weeks, there were lots of little things that seemed strange, and she wasn't acting normal." "Like what?" I carefully ask, not wanting to upset him. "I noticed that a few of my friends had be avoiding me, like you for example. It was all of my female friends, Louise, Zoe and you. It turned out that she had been telling everyone to stay away, she thought that she would lose me to them. I actually never apologised to you for her actions, I realise now how much of a fool I've been and I'm so sorry that I let her push you away. I really did miss you. I honestly had no idea what was happening, I guess that I got caught up in it."

We stop walking and Phil puts his hands either side of my head, looking intensely into my eyes, "she's gone now Jess, and I cannot wait to spend my time with you. You're the only person I want to be with." There's a moment of silence and Phil stops himself from saying something. Something that I wish that he would say, so that I could say it back. "Come on, let's go back." He says, taking my hand as we walk back home.


	16. Back in London

"Well I guess I should be getting back, before I over stay my welcome." Phil announces after breakfast the next day. I shoot him a sad look and simply shake my head in response. "Are you sure Phil? You're always welcome here, anytime you want." Gran says, clearing up the breakfast bowls. "Thanks, Angela, but I can't keep wearing these clothes any longer and I'm not sure that Jess's wardrobe will exactly fit me." His foot nudges mine under the table, and although it was a playful action, it gives me Goosebumps and fills me with excitement.

"Well if you're going, then I'm coming too." I say, crossing my arm like a stubborn, little girl, "it's not like I have a job anyway, I can do anything now." I point, Phil and Gran exchange looks, both working out what each other were thinking. "Well… I don't see why not. You've stayed in London before and you deserve a break. If we find you a cheap hotel, not too far from Phil, then why not?" Gran says and I run up and hug her, she giggles like a little girl.

"There's no way she's staying in a hotel, not when Dan and I have a perfectly good flat. We'll look after her Angela, don't worry." Gran thinks this proposition over for a few seconds and then, "well if you're okay with her staying at yours, then it's not a problem with me." I laugh at the way the two of them are acting, talking about me as if I wasn't in the room or if I was only a child. "Okay, then its official!" I say, before anyone else can change the plan, "I'm going to go pack!" I shout as I rush out of the kitchen, grabbing Phil's hand and taking him with me.

Gran walks with us to the station, having packed us some snacks and drinks for the trip, "Okay, well you take care of her Phil. Don't let her get too wild." Gran jokes and hugs Phil goodbye, "You do realise this is only for a few days Gran? I'm not leaving you forever," I point out, squeezing her tight. Gran whispers in my ear "my little grand-baby is all grown up. Have a lovely time sweetie, go and enjoy yourself," she stands back and winks, as Phil takes my hand and we walk off to our platform.

We spent the train ride, tucked up at the back of the carriage, Phil's arm snuggled around me and I rest my head on his chest. We listen to music, sleep and talk about whatever pops into our minds. I must admit, sitting next to Phil for so long, kept my stomach full of buzzing butterflies, and another feeling that I could not quite place, it was halfway between adrenaline and elation.

We get a taxi back to Dan and Phil's flat and I did not want to haul my suitcase all the way there. I had over packed, I did not know what we would be doing in London but I would be overjoyed even if we spent the whole time sat on the sofa together. But something told me, that this trip was going to be much more special than I could ever dream in my wildest dreams.


	17. The Radio Station

When Phil and I walk through the door we're met by an overly excited Dan, standing underneath a banner which reads, "Welcome home Phil and Jess!" who pops several party poppers to our shock, "Oh wow, Dan! You really went for it!" Phil laughs, taking a popper and pulling the string. "Hey Jess, how are you? How was the train ride?" Dan asks, giving me a quick hug, "really good thanks, I couldn't be any better." I truthfully say, "Good, I'm glad. I'm also really excited that you're here to stay with us! It's going to be so much fun, you may even keep Phil away from his laptop for more than five minutes."

I go into Phil's room to unpack my stuff and freshen up, as the boys decide what to make for dinner. As I open up my suitcase and take out the mountain of neatly folded clothes, I can't help myself but to look around the room. I cannot even describe how out of place I feel to be in this room, even though I have seen it so many times before but on my computer screen. I sit down on the bed, suddenly having a flashback of the last time Phil and I sat here and I feel the complete sheer joy of our first kiss and then remember how panful the moments after had been.

But, as Phil said, it was in the past and to my relief there were no clues or evidence that Natasha had ever been here. I wondered how she took the break up, whether she was filled with rage and would be determined to seek revenge on me. I shake my head, as if to shake out those bad thoughts. I tell myself that she's gone and push all thoughts about her into the black abyss in the back of my mind.

"Settling in okay?" I almost jump as I turn around to see that Phil had snuck silently into the room. "Yes thanks, o think that it will do." I joke as Phil wraps his arms around my waist, he pulls me in and we kiss, "I hope you never leave then." He whispers back, his warm breath tickling my ear and I am suddenly hit with a strange feeling again, however it's much stronger this time, "I would never leave this room if I could." I reply, watching as Phil gives me a breathtaking smile and I cannot wait a second longer to kiss him.

Twenty minutes later, a knock on Phil's door breaks our bubble of love and comfort, "Yes?" he replies, helping me up from the bed. We share a cheeky look as we cool ourselves down. "Dinner's ready guys." Dan pops his head around the door, "I made stir fry, a la Dan." We ate at the dining table, everyone's hungry and chowing down the delicious stir fry, "So are you going to join is today Jess?" Dan asks, halfway through his plate of food. "Join you where?" I ask, giving a puzzled look at the boys, "Oh yeah!" Phil pretends to smack his forehead, "How could I forget? Dan and I go and record our radio show tonight." Phil explains, "Wow that is so cool!" I say, "And I can come?" "Of course, we'll even let you press the buttons!" Dan winks at me. "You'll probably be better at it than Dan," Phil jokes, grinning as he waits for a response from Dan. "Oh really? I think that's a little unfair, see how he bullies me Jess? You don't see that on camera!" Dan jokes back.

There's something really touching about the boy's friendship, I know that about half of their 'fans' ship them together, but it's definitely a brotherly bond between the pair. They're on the same level with each other and you just know that they'll stay that close for a very long time. To my excitement, I am allowed to go into the actual recording studio, where the boys stay on the one side of the room, in front of their microphones and all the screens and buttons they'll control throughout the show.

I sit in the corner, on the other side of the room, where I watch them get to work and telling the producer the plan for the show. I feel so proud of the boys, the way they act and it's so natural when the show begins. It's like they've always done this. Every now and then, when a song is playing, Phil will sneak over to check that I'm okay and if I'm enjoying the show. "Yeah, it's great. If I close my eyes it's like I'm back in my bedroom listening to the radio." "Good. Would you like to request a song?" Phil offers. "Really? Are you sure?" "Of course, what would you like?" "Could I be cheesy and ask for Tom Odell, Grow Old with Me?" "Sure" Phil gives me a quick kiss and walks back over to the computer to find the song.

The boys chat for a few minutes and then Phil introduces the next song, "Okay, this one is a request and a lovely slower song. So now's a perfect time to slow dance with your loved one, whether it's your life size poster of Emma Watson or your cat. This is Tom Odell, Grow Old with Me."

The piano starts playing and Phil takes off his headphones, walks over and holds out his hand. I take it and stand up, finding myself dancing slowly in a small circle with Phil. I rest my head on his shoulder as we slowly move side to side, "This is amazing." I whisper to him, keeping the next sentence in my head, 'I love you', so I long to say to him. He moves his head back so that he looks directly into my eyes, "I'm so glad I found you Jess," and we kiss, forgetting that we're I a small studio with other people in the room. Nothing else seems important now.


	18. The E-mail

We get back home to the flat at around 11pm, everyone's tired and thankful to be home. It had been an amazing experience for me, not only going to the Radio 1 studios and seeing a show recorded but watching my boyfriend DJ the actual show. Dan makes three cups of tea while Phil and I chill out on the sofa, Phil turning on his laptop to read all the tweets from the latest radio show.

I read over his shoulder and both of our smiles grow larger and larger as he finds more and more positive comments. Dan puts our mugs on the table, "I think I'm going to have an early night if that is okay with you two. I have a meeting first thing in the morning." "Okay, we'll see you in the morning." Phil replies, looking up from his laptop. "See you tomorrow, Dan." I smile at him.

I sip my tea as I find something to watch on the TV as Phil sorts out a few e-mails. After a few minutes I give up on the TV, switching it off. "Any plans for tomorrow?" I ask Phil, but he doesn't reply. I turn to face him and he is engrossed in the screen, a harsh frown on his face. I look over to see what is troubling him and I see a long e-mail from Natasha. I scan through the message, reading that she is 'incredibly sorry and heartbroken' and that's what she 'wants to fix things and get back together.'

I feel an urge of panic and fear and I jump up from the sofa, springing Phil back into life. "What the hell?" I say, shaking as red, hot tears fall down my cheeks. "What? No, Jess, it's just a meaningless e-mail from Natasha. It means nothing." "It didn't sound like nothing to me." I argue back. Phil puts the laptop on the floor and stands up, walking nearer to me, but I take a step back and I see the hurt on his face immediately.

"I have no feelings for her Jess, I was about to delete it." "She still loves you though Phil, she wants to get back together for God's sake!" I pace to and fro. "Jess please, calm down." Phil begs, on the verge of tears but I can't stop feeling so scared. It's as if his words can't reach me, as if an invisible concrete wall is blocking the signal.

"Why are you getting so upset over an e-mail Jess?" I stop walking and pause, "Because I'm so scared to lose you Phil. I LOVE YOU!" I shout, not realising what I have just said until Phil stands, once again frozen, looking at me with a completely different expression to the one second before. "Well, I LOVE YOU TOO!" He shouts back and all the feelings of worry instantly fall away, replaced with love and relief. "We've just said that we love each other." Phil realises, "I really want to kiss you now." He takes two steps towards me and I almost jump into his arms, followed by our most passionate kiss yet.


	19. Best Day EVER!

I wake up at about 8 in the morning, I sit up slowly and see Phil still asleep (like a baby) next to me. He seemed so peaceful and cute but, I felt extremely lucky to have him as my boyfriend. I wanted to run my slender-like fingers through his hair and just to see his sparkling eyes. I also wanted to hear his deep, sexy morning voice however, I thought that it would probably be best not to wake him.

I get up from the bed and realise that I'm wearing one of Phil's shirts, I also put on a hoodie as well and walk to the kitchen. When I entered the kitchen I saw Dan, who is munching on a bowl of cereal and looking down at his phone. When I walk over to him, he put his phone away and greets me with a friend smile, "Morning! Can I get you some breakfast?" He offers, my stomach rumbles in reply. "Oops, sorry! Yes please, some cereal would be perfect."

As Dan, fills me a bowl of he says, "How are things with you and Phil? I don't mean to be nosey, I was just wondering how you both were getting on." "Of course not! It's actually fantastic, everything I could ever want is right here. We've decided to take things nice and slow." "Good, I'm glad and just for the record Jess, I never liked Natasha." I can't help but grin, "Really?" "Yep, she was never nice to me. She always acted as if she was above me. But just in case you're wondering, I like you very like you and I approve of Phil's choice this time." "Thanks Dan, I think that you're pretty amazing too." He chuckles and shakes his head.

I make Phil a cup of coffee and ever so carefully carry it back to his room. I place the mug on his bedside table and get back into bed, gently shaking his shoulder, "Phil, wake up handsome." He shuffles around, rubs his eyes and then looks up and sees me, automatically a heart melting sideways smile appears, "Good morning beautiful." He says, sitting and kissing me lightly. "I made you a coffee." I say, glancing over his shoulder to the mug. He looks over and picks up the mug, "Well this is a lovely surprise, and do I get this special treatment every morning?" He takes a sip, "Although, it should be me making you breakfast in bed really, I feel bad." "Well don't. Feel happy." I joke, kissing him on the cheek and he puts his arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer to him.

"Nice top." He says, smiling at me, "Oh yeah, I'm sorry I can take it off, if you like?" I say innocently. He raises his eyebrows and gives me a suggestive grin, "Oh really? Well, in that case I'm furious that you're wearing my clothes and I insist you take it off right this second." He puts the coffee to the side and tickles me all over, leaving me in an uncontrollable state of tears and laughter. "That will teach you a lesson." He laughs, finally stopping. Then his tone takes a more serious turn, "I meant what I said last night." He says, stroking the back of my head, "I, Philp Lester, am head over heels, and I'm ridiculously, madly in love with you. I will never let you go."

I am left speechless with happiness and I hug him tightly, my head against his chest. "I love you too Phil." I mumble into his torso and then he moves back to put a finger underneath my chin and kiss me slowly and softly.

We spent the rest of the morning being lazy around the flat. I manage to pull myself out of bed and I decide to have a shower first. I just have finished getting dressed when Phil walks in from his shower, a towel wrapped around his lower torso **_(A/N "I bet you've got a sexy image in your head"~ Dan, How NOT to stay cool_** ). Droplets of water were running down his bare stomach, I feel my cheeks becoming a deep shade of crimson but Phil walks over and kisses me, "It's okay, it's just me Jess. You don't need to be embarrassed. I love you."

In the afternoon we walked to a local café. We have coffee and a bite to eat, it's so nice being with Phil, he gives off such a relaxed and laid back mood, I don't feel as if I need to try and impress him. After we finished lunch, we decide to take a walk along the river, hand in hand and just enjoy each other's company.

The rest of the week stays like this, chilled back, whilst Phil and I get to know each other better and we can see what we're like as a couple. On Wednesday night Phil surprised me with a romantic dinner at a really posh restaurant and he had even gotten up early for the rest of the week just to make me breakfast in bed. Everything was absolutely fantastic. At least until I had to leave to go back to Gran's house.

 **A/N**

 **Hey guys and girls, I hope you're enjoying this story so far. I know I am enjoying creating this fantasy. Up until the 26** **th** **November updates are going to be slow. Sorry in advance. I'll only be able to update on weekends.**


	20. Back to Gran

Phil and I both woke up early and we both laid in bed, neither of us were talking, it was like we are scared to even start the day. Eventually, I can't stand the silence any longer and I decide to roll over to snuggle into Phil, who kisses the top of my head and he pulls me in close.

"It'll be okay." I say and I fell him nodding, "This isn't goodbye for long, we'll see each other soon." I say, having told myself this over and over throughout the night. "I know, but I don't want you to go. It's so far away from me." I feel myself start to cry, "Maybe if we just stayed here, in bed and never move then you can stay." Phil suggest, holding me tightly. "Come on, we should get up. The quicker we get up the more time we will have before my train comes." I point out, and with that Phil hops out of the bed and pulls me up too.

The three of us ate breakfast together, Dan had made pancakes to cheer us up but it didn't really help and we mostly ate in silence, "The next time you come Jess, we'll have to do even more tourist things." Dan says, trying to lighten the mood, "We could go on the London Eye, go to the Natural History Museum, see a show -" "Dan." Phil interrupts him. It really hurt seeing Phil so down, especially seeing him in such a good mood all week, it reminded me of how much I'm going to miss him.

I say goodbye to Dan at the flat, Phil waited by the door with my suitcase, "It was great seeing you Jess, come back soon." "Thank you for having me Dan, I'll miss you too you know." I give him a hug and Dan says, "Thank you for making Phil so happy." That comment alone nearly makes me tear up and I give him another squeeze goodbye.

The taxi ride to the station seemed so quick to me, even though we did get stuck in traffic, it isn't enough time for me. Once we got to the station, we go in and find my train on the screen and then we walk over to the platform. There's a moment of silence as we both stand and simply look at each other, lost for words. "It's not even goodbye if you think about it." I start to say but Phil kisses me before I could finish and I savour every second of the kiss, knowing that it will have to last me a while, "I love you." Phil says, catching one of my tears with his thumb. "I love you too." I reply and kiss him one last time before the train doors start to close.

"Call me when you get back." He says quickly, "I'll see you soon." "I love you, see you soon!" These are my last words before the doors finish beeping and close. It felt like one of those old romantic films where the lovers are separated by a train. I hang by the window until Phil became a tiny dot and then nothing at all. I hated every second of the journey, knowing that every mile is one mile further away from. I try not to cry too much and text him as much I can though he goes into a meeting at 1pm and so I am left without a contact.

I'm glad to see Gran waiting at the station for me and I run into her arms and sob as we hug. I don't do this to Gran, but I've never hated my city so much before. I used to love being excluded from the rest of the world when I was younger and even before I started dating Phil but now I've never felt so lonely and lost in what has been my home for my whole life.

"I hope you're crying because you miss him and not because you had a horrible time." Gran jokes, squeezing my shoulders in comfort, "You know that I'll always be here for you sweetheart. I know that I'm not Phil and no one can replace him, but I love you just as much and I'm always nearby." "Thanks Gran, you always know what to say."

As soon as I get through the front door, I run upstairs, switch on my laptop and call Phil on Skype. I sit glued to the screen, waiting and waiting for him to pick up. Finally, his face pops up on my screen and all I want to do is hug him and kiss him. We chat for a few hours and I start to realise that just how tough a long distance relationships are and if anything, Skype had made things worse. It was like he was back to being in a YouTube video, even though he was talking to me, I still felt separated from him. It was crystal clear that these next few days, weeks and possibly months would be the longest and toughest I've ever had to go through.


	21. Phil's Letter

I hadn't gotten a job since I had come back from London, I felt as if I got a job here then it would restrict me when I could go and see Phil but not having the money was the largest barrier. The little money I had from my job went to helping Gran with the bills and grocery shopping and last year, I foolishly bought myself a laptop to help me with my YouTube videos but now I would have to sell all my possessions just for a simply train ticket. I knew that Gran wanted to buy me a ticket to go to London, but we both knew that she couldn't afford too and I had even caught her working extra hours, making herself completely exhausted to earn a few extra pounds.

It had been three weeks since I'd last seen Phil, or that's 21 days, 504 hours, 30,000 minutes and 1,814,399 seconds of torture. We talked every day, I was always texting, calling, Skyping him or of course watching his videos. I'd made a few more videos myself, but I had barely any inspiration recently, even though I had entire days to edit and film. I had just gotten after a walk around the shops, bored out of my mind from waiting for Phil to text me back and when I saw an envelope on the floor waiting for me. I rarely ever got letters, so my first though was that it's just junk mail, but the address was handwritten by somebody. By Phil.

I rip open the top and pull out a rectangular piece of card, it was too big to be a train ticket. It took me a few seconds to read and understand the writing on the card and I am filled with excitement and adrenaline as soon as it sinks in. I am holding a plane ticket to Los Angeles in my hand and it's for a week's time.

I pull out my phone from my pocket and dial his number straight away, he picks up quickly, as if he was waiting for the call. "Oh my God! I can't believe this! Is this real? Is this really happening? Oh my God!" I rush out, not letting Phil get a word in, "I guess that you got the tickets then?" He laughs from the other side of the phone. "Yes, Oh my God! This is unbelievable! I can't believe you did this!" I can hear him laughing away and I can picture his smile in my head.

"It's for Vidcon. I was booking the flights with Dan the other day and I felt really down because I would be even further away from you and it would be even longer till I next see you. So Dan suggested that you come along too, that way it could be like a holiday for us. I booked the hotel for us for the event, but when it's finished we can stay longer together. What do you think?" "I think that I am the luckiest person alive right now and I cannot wait to see you again and go to America with you!"

Phil tells me more details, where to meet him and Dan at the airport and which trains and tubes to get too, but I am completely blown away, up high on cloud nine and I never wanted to come back down to Earth.


	22. The Airport

I get to the airport at six in the morning, still half asleep and I text Phil to find out where he is. I pull my suitcase along beside me and head towards the nearest coffee shop to wake up. I spot a tall guy in the queue, two big suitcases with him and straight brown hair, "Dan!" I call out to him, he turns around and beams at me, stepping out of the queue, to come and see me.

"Jess! How are you?" He greets me, giving me a hug. "I'm great thanks, a little sleepy but very excited." "Me too. I think that Phil went to find you, he should be back in a minute." Just as he says that, I hear someone call out my name and I spin around to see Phil running towards me. He picks me up in his arms and we spin around and around, I don't even care if anyone is watching, I'm just so happy to finally be back with him and in arms. "Hey." He says, putting me back down and kissing me tenderly, "I've missed you." "That's an understatement." I say, hugging him tightly.

After a few more minutes of hugging and kissing, Phil and I try to find a way to turn our undivided attention to the flight details, rather than each other. We check in, go through security and then we decide to have breakfast whilst waiting for our plane. It felt so wonderful to be back with the boys again, there's no awkward silences, it's like I've never been away from them.

"Any gossip then? What's changed since I've been gone?" I ask, finishing off my coffee and as I lean back into Phil's open arm. "Not a lot, we bought some fancy lights for filming and we filmed a bunch of gaming videos for whilst we we're away. Have you been up to much, apart from missing us?" Dan asks. "Nope, I am officially unemployed and bored of my city." I complain, sighing. "Well then you should move up to London." Dan half jokes, but it really makes me think and Phil goes quiet.

The plane journey is so much fun, I couldn't have asked for better people to travel with. They make a long haul flight the most fun I've had in weeks. About seven hours into the flight, most people, including Dan are asleep, but Phil and I are sitting by a window, cuddled up in a blanket, sharing a seat. "I love you so much Jess, I'm never letting you go again." He says softly to me, "I love you too Phil, everything is so much better when I'm with you." "You know…" Phil pauses, thinking about something, "Dan was right before, you really should think about moving. I'm not making you or anything, or saying that it should be in London, but you should think about it."

I nod and realize that he is right, why should I keep on making myself heartbroken with distance? I don't need to be hours away from Phil, I can be minutes away. "You're right, I'll think about it this week and then we can talk about it on the flight home. Deal?" I stick out my little finger and Phil wraps his around mine, "Deal." He agrees, kissing our intertwined fingers.


	23. LA (VidCon)

When we arrive at the hotel, we all checked in, ventured off to find our rooms and we fell into a deep sleep for most of the day, as our jet lag started to set in terribly. We did manage to go out for dinner in the evening with a group of other YouTubers, whom I all knew from my subscription box but I have never met them. Phil introduces me to everyone as his girlfriend and I could at explode or implode with happiness. He asks that no one films us together as we had decided to keep our relationship a secret for the first few months, not wanting to cause a fuss with all his subscribers, which also meant that during the event we couldn't walk around acting like a couple in front of everyone. I was disappointed at first but it wasn't Phil's fault, he was protecting me which I couldn't help but find sweet.

Dan and Phil have their meet and greet on the first day of Vidcon, so I decide to walk around the convention centre and take it all in. I see a lot of teenage girls all running and screaming and taking photos of pretty much everything. I see quite a few of them wearing Dan and Phil shirts which I try not to find weird, I was once a fangirl myself but until recently I've found myself forgetting that Phil is a YouTuber with millions of subscribers.

"Oh my God! Is that Jess? It is?" I turn in shock of hearing my name and I see two girls come running up to me, smiling at me. "Hi! We've watched all your videos!" One girl says and I put my hands to my mouth in my surprise. Not only is it my first time here but it's the first time I've been recognized at one of YouTube's biggest events.

"No way, really? That's amazing, I never expected to find anyone who knew me here." I admit. "I really love your videos, you give so much good advice and you're one of my top favourite people to watch." The other girl says. "Awww, thank you so much, you're so lovely." "Could we have a picture?" "Really? Of course." I say as one of the girls gets out her phone and we pose together. "And could you sign this too please?" She gets out a top from her bag and I take out a pen from my bag. As I start signing my name, I realise what is on the top, there is a huge picture on the front of Dan and Phil.

"Nice top." I say, trying not to laugh. "Thanks, we didn't get tickets to meet them today." One of the girls explains, "But you're the next best thing!" The other says and I give them both an enormous hug. "Have a great time today and thank you so much for coming over to say hello. Bye!" I say to them as they run off, squealing with excitement.

I decide to go to the main hall after my surreal encounter and I am completely breathless by the amount of girls and some guys all queuing for various YouTubers. Seeing a subscriber count on a screen is one thing but seeing that huge number in real life is so overwhelming. I walk down the side of one of the queues and I see a huddle of girls standing by a metal barrier, phones out at the ready.

I walk over to find out what is going on, one girl, wearing cat whiskers happily tells me, 'We couldn't get tickets to queue up but here we will be really close and one of the security guards told us that they will come over here quickly to take a couple of pictures." "Pictures of who?" "Dan and Phil! They should be coming out of that gap over there, any minute now." She bounces up and down and points to a gap in the black curtain, only a few feet away.

Then I spot them, deafened by the screams of joy from everyone around me, the two boys walking out confidently (which made Phil look sexy), beaming away and waving at everyone. My heart jumps and my stomach fills with butterflies and I have to remind myself to remain calm. The girls around me scream the boy's names with desperation and Phil nudges Dan and they walk over to us, unaware of my presence. "Dan! Dan!" "Please can I have a picture?" "Phil! Over here! Please!" The boys smile at the girls and calmly say hello and take their phones to take a picture with them.

They work their way down to the small barrier, until they reach me and Phil looks up and spots me finally. "Oh! Hi!" He says, in complete utter shock, trying so hard not to act as if he knew me, let alone act as if I were his girlfriend. "Would you like a picture?" He winks at me and I nod and pass him my phone. He takes the picture and then whispers in my ear quickly, "Love you." He flashes me a breathtaking smile and then waves goodbye at the barrier and walks back over to start the huge queue with Dan.

"Did Phil just whisper in your ear?" One girl says, frowning, "Oh, he just said thanks for waiting." I reply, coolly. "Oh right." She says and walks off with her friends. I head back to my hotel room after the weird experience and I spend a good few hours really thinking about what Phil had said on the plane, by late afternoon I was certain that I was ready to move out of my house, but where too?


	24. The Hotel

"That was a very sneaky surprise earlier." Phil says, giving me a hug as soon as we got back to the hotel after his long meet and greet session. "Yeah, sorry about that, I didn't plan that, it just kind of all happened." He chuckled and takes my hand into his hand. "It was really weird though, seeing you but not being able to hug or kiss you." He admits, "It was like you were a celebrity. Well, I guess you pretty much are. I signed one of your shirts actually, a couple of girls recognised me." I proudly tell him and he gives me such a proud smile, "Really? That's great, congratulations babe. Anyway, what do you fancy doing for the rest of the day?"

I walk over to the big window, overlooking the pool outside. "Well, if you're not too tired, I would love to relax out in the sun. The water looks so refreshing." I say, watching as the pure blue water ripples gently. "Sounds great, let's get out there." We quickly grab our towels and sun cream and I put on my bikini ( . /shop/en/citybeach/womens-swimwear/oneill-pop-rock-bikini-1754165) underneath my pale pink summer dress. "You look gorgeous, I'm so lucky to have you Jess. You are truly perfect." Phil says, kissing me and then taking my hand as we exit out of the building, I automatically let go of Phil's hand, but he grabs mine back. "Don't worry about it, only YouTubers are allowed in this part and anyway I don't want to hide my love for you anymore." To prove his point even further he kisses me, and then we carry on walking to the pool.

We find two deck chairs together, lay out our towels and then we sunbathe peacefully, talking every now and then but just enjoying the heat and the peace. I look over at him a few times, stunned by appearance. It wasn't often that I saw him in shorts, sunglasses and a bare, pale torso. It took a lot of will power to not jump on top of him and kiss him.

After about an hour Phil jumps up suddenly, whips off his shorts to reveal his water trunks and he pulls me up too. "Come on, I'm dying to get into the water." He says and even lifting off his sunglasses to show me his pleading puppy dog eyes. I giggle and nod, already in my bikini. "Hold on a second." He says and jogs off to Dan, who is walking over to us. Phil hands Dan his phone and then Phil and I stand by the water and pose for a few photos. We kiss and I lean into Phil and say quietly, "Let's promise each other right now that we will always remember this moment, this moment where I am over filled with joy and love." He nods, grins and wraps our little fingers together.

"Ready?" Phil shouts, to both Dan and me. Dan nods, Phil takes my hand and then we jumped up at the exact same time and land in the cool, fresh water. We get our breath back for a second and I swim over to Phil and wrap my legs around his waist and we look back up and smile at Dan, taking another photo of us. Phil and I swan and played around in the pool, which later joined by Dan who gets in much quieter than our jump. It feels like the best day of my life, I literally did not have a care in the world, time stopped for us that day and I felt as though the whole world was on my side, everything was complete with Phil.

Eventually, we're forced to get out of the pool as soon as the evening chill set in. Phil wraps my towel around me and we all ran up back to our rooms to shower and change. Phil lets me shower first, and as I am taking off my bikini top in the bathroom, I feel his soft, cool fingers on my back, giving me goosebumps. He gently undoes my strap and the top falls to the floor.

I turn around to face him, not even phased that we're both completely naked, it seemed so natural and simple to me. I step back carefully so that we are under the running water and he takes me into his arms and starts kissing my neck, planting small fragile kisses all along my skin up to my lips. We kiss much more passionately than ever before and I lose control of my actions, I feel emotions that I have never felt before and I feel so much more alive. After about 20 minutes, he turns off the shower, bends down slightly and picks me up in his arms and carries me over to the bed, both of us still wet from the shower.

The next hour is one of the most intense and amazing hours of my existence, I feel so more close to Phil in all senses. He's so careful and loving with me and afterwards, when we are lying under the covers, my head on his chest, he pours his heart out to me and I cannot even begin to describe how much love I am filled with.


	25. A New Friend

The boys have a slot on the main stage the next day, but this time I head down with them as they go to the green room to prepare. They're going to do a 'Q&A' and a 'would you rather' game on stage, so I help them with questions and ideas. I can tell that Phil is getting nervous as soon as we finished with our brainstorming, he starts chewing on his bottom lip and fiddles with his fingers. I take his hand in mine, stopping him from getting more worked up.

"Calm down babe, you're going to do excellent. Everyone in that audience loves you and they still will, even if you stand still and don't say a word. You've got this." I comfort him, smiling at him whilst I straighten an odd hair on his fringe. "Thanks babe." He says, managing a smile back at me. "I'm so proud of you Phil, you've come so far." I give him a kiss then Dan walks over to us, "Okay, it's time to go." He says, Phil breathes out, stands up and then he seems to relax and return to his normal self.

"Good luck!" I say, as they walk off to backstage. "Hi! We haven't really met yet but I'm Louise and you're Jess aren't you?" Louise, most commonly known as 'Sprinkleofglitter' greets me, bounding up towards me with a joyful beam. "Oh, hi!" I say awkwardly, but a little stunned as I have a mini fan girl moment over one of my favourite YouTubers. "I saw you with the boys yesterday at the pool and I thought, she looks like a future friend!" "Really? Great!" I say. "Shall we go and find a good spot to watch the boys?" She offers. "Can we really watch them?" "Sure, I know a good little spot, near the stage, no one will notice us, especially when they're on stage."

She takes my hand and pulls me along, through a corridor, through a door and then we emerge at the side of the stage in a crowd of thousands of people. "Wow, that's a huge audience!" I say looking behind me. "You can say that again, but don't worry, they're pretty much professionals on stage." We find a couple of seats in a taped off zone just in time to be deafened by the screams as the boys walk on stage. Louise is right of course, the boys don't show a flicker of nerves and the show runs smoothly, having us all in laughter. At one point, during the show, Louise leans over to me and says, "That's your boyfriend Jess! How amazing is he?" I burst into tears as she says this and she laughs and pulls me in to give me a hug.

Once the show is over, we rush back to the green room to see the boys coming back from backstage. I run over to Phil and give him a hug. "Where have you been?" He asks, setting me back down on the ground. "We watched the show of course!" Louise grins, hugging me again. "Wait! Jess, have you been crying?" Phil asks, completely full of worry as his eyes scan over my face. "Yes," I admit, "But it was because I was so proud of you." A look of relief washes over his gorgeous face as he kisses me. "You see, you spend 25 minutes with Louise and you're already crying." Phil jokes. "I didn't mean to make her cry, we were just caught up in the moment." Louise giggles.

"Well at least you weren't crying at us then." Dan adds, "It wasn't bad was it?" The four of us go out to lunch together, finding a little café which was ten minutes' walk from the hotel. Seeing as lots of other meet and greets were still going on, it was pretty quiet. When our food comes, Louise gets out her camera and Phil gives me a look. Louise realises, "Oh sorry! Of course, don't worry I'll put it away." "No, its fine, I don't mind." I say, taking Phil's hand under the table. "We could refer you as a friend." Dan suggests and I nod happily.

"No!" Phil says, "If you're going to be on camera then I don't want to lie." He turns to look at me, "I'm happy with us being on camera. I'm not saying that right now, Louise tells everyone that you're my girlfriend but I don't mind for us to be together, we can just appear together and not make this a big deal." "Okay," I agree. I am just happy that we don't have to hide anything. Louise switches on her camera and I realise that Phil and I have taken another big leap in our relationship, one that I hoped that we would never regret. There would be no going back once it's on the internet.


	26. The Decision

The next several days are sheer bliss, once VidCon finishes, the hotel becomes so much quieter and we have the pool to ourselves most of the time. I feel like we are the only ones here, everything is all for us to enjoy together. Dan gets an earlier flight back, going with most of the other British YouTubers, so Phil and I were the only ones. We swam, sun bathed, went shopping, took photos and basically had the most amazing time of our lives.

On our last full day, Phil suggests that we go for a walk along the beach in the late afternoon. We stroll along an empty beach, holding hands as we look out to the vast, clear sea. I turn to Phil and say, 'Thank you so much, Phil, this has been the best week of my life, I'll never forget it." He smiles and lightly plants a kiss on my lips. I then spot the sunset and gasp at how stunning and beautiful it is, as the citrus orange sun lowers itself away, a path way of gold on the sea. "Wow, look at that perfect view." I say, "I know, it's stunning, just like you" Phil says, looking at me. "I can't take my eyes off it." I grin and realise what he is saying.

I wrap my arms around his neck and we kiss tenderly and lovingly. Every single kiss left me as breathless as the last, every time his lips touched mine, I felt fireworks go off around my body and I would fall even more deeply in love with him. "Move in with me." He whispers, staring right into my eyes and I lose myself for a moment. "Really?" I ask, not being able to believe what I am currently hearing. "Move in with me." He repeats, kissing me strongly before I can reply. "I mean it, why not? You're thinking about moving to London and I have a flat in London." He says matter-of-factly.

"It's not that simply Phil." I say, sitting down on the sand. "Isn't it? We both love each other madly and I'm not planning on losing you anytime soon. Dan has even suggested it to me before and that way we would never have to say another goodbye." He joins me on the sand, putting his arm around my shoulders. "Okay." I reply after a few minutes. "Okay? Okay, what?" Phil puzzles, trying to work out what I am exactly saying. "Okay I'll move in with you!" I exclaim, suddenly overwhelmed with happiness. Phil gives me the biggest smile that I've ever seen and picks me up, spins us round and round, "Oh my God! We're going to live together!" I say, jumping up and down, tears streaming down my face.

"Are you sure though Jess? Don't rush this decision or choose it just to make me happy. This has to be what you truly want." Phil changes his tone, taking my face in his hands. "I'm 100% sure about this Phil, I am in love with you and I want to be with you always, not just every month." He nods and we kiss again, as if to say that we're sealing the deal.


	27. Phil's Unknown Sickness Part 1

The first week back from America was one of the busiest weeks of my life, it started with a long haul flight back to London, a tearful goodbye to the boys and a long, boring train journey back home. I sat Gran down that night and talked to her about moving in with Dan and Phil, she was already really happy for me, once she made sure that it wasn't what I wanted but I could tell she was clearly heartbroken.

She helped me pack up my room, we found an old diary of mine and spent one afternoon drinking tea and reading through 15 year old Jess's thoughts.

*Diary Reading*

15th March 2009

Dear Diary,

Today has been an alright day until tonight. My boyfriend Michael and I were talking on the phone. As the conversation went on, he started to get upset at me because apparently I cannot give him his needs but I told him, I'll try to satisfy them. But I have to make it up to him tomorrow afternoon while homework club (homework club is an after school club where students can stay at school and study or do homework) is on.  
We are going behind the art house, but I know that we won't be doing anything bad. He also told me to stop watching The Vampire Diaries. I told him that I'd stop watching but that was a lie of course. Why the f*ck would I stop watching TVD? That's where I got this idea of writing in this journal. So that I could keep account of my days and so that no one can read this I'm going to hide it in a place no one will ever look. God! I wish that Michael wasn't so insecure about us.  
TVD kind of relates to me. One of the characters relates to me and that character is Damon Salvatore. If I could drink (alcohol) I'd be like him. Although, I still do possess some of his traits such as being a complete jackass but charming at the same time. Till the next time. J

*Diary entry ends*

It was so nice to spend time with Gran and after I promised that I would call her every day and I would teach her how to use Skype before I left, she seemed much happier about letting me go. I decide to leave most of my stuff and just take my clothes, laptop, makeup and photos for now. By Friday evening I was ready to go, my alarm set to catch the first train in the morning where I would start a whole new chapter of my life.

Dan and Phil both met me at the station and by the afternoon I was completely moved in, my clothes in Phil's wardrobe, my makeup in the bathroom drawers and my photos on his walls. We celebrated with wine and toasted to new beginnings and love. Everything was perfect and simple, well at least for a few days…

Dan had gone back home to visit his family for a few days, leaving Phil and I at the flat alone. I woke up first the morning that Dan had gone and I crept quietly to the kitchen to make Phil some pancakes as a surprise. Once I managed to produce at least three good pancakes, I spread a generous layer of maple syrup over them and chopped up some strawberries and put them on too.

Feeling happy with my cooking, I walked back to our bedroom, carrying the plate of steaming, hot pancakes, where Phil was still fast asleep, and the duvet covering his face. Carefully, I set the tray of food down at the end of the bed and I crouched on the floor, next to Phil so I could try and wake him up. I kissed his forehead lightly, "Phil, baby, wake up. I made you pancakes." I softly say, waiting for him to open his eyes and smile at me. But he stays asleep, frowning slightly.

"Phil, baby, wake up." I say, shaking his shoulder slightly. He mumbles something and shuffles around, "Phil? Are you feeling alright?" I ask, touching his forehead with my hands lightly and I feel just how boiling hot he is, "Oh baby, you've got a fever." I say, brushing his hands with my hands. "I feel awful." He manages to mumble. "Okay, I'll go and get you some water, a painkiller and a nice cool flannel, "I move quickly around the flat, gathering up my items. I return armed and ready to treat my patient. I get him to sip some water so that he can take a painkiller. I then tuck him up in bed again and place the flannel on his forehead. "You just try and get some rest now baby, I won't be too far away if you need me." I whisper, placing a light kiss on his lips.

Just as I was about to shut the door, I spot the pancakes on the bed, now stone cold. I sigh quietly as all my happiness is replaced with worry and loneliness as I take the tray and put the pancakes in the kitchen bin. The rest of the day is boring and quiet, as Phil sleeps and I tiptoe around trying to find something to do. I decide to clean up the entire flat and it is dust free by the evening. I go and check my patient as a reward to myself for all the hard work that I've done today. "Hey baby, how are you doing?" I whisper, stroking the top of his head as I kneel on the floor next to him. "Okay," He replies, managing to open his eyes slightly. "Can I get you anything?" I offer, "Something to eat? Some toast?" He nods slowly, so I give him a quick kiss on the head and run off to make him some food and I'm so thankful to be helping him again.

*Five minutes later*

I am back crouching by his side, holding out a piece of plain toast, as Phil nibbles delicately. Eventually, he eats the whole slice of bread and goes back to sleep. I decide to lay down next to him on the bed and read a bit of my book. I get halfway down the first page when Phil suddenly jolts up, turns to the side and vomits up onto the carpet.

"Oh shit!" I say jumping up and helping Phil get back into bed, "Are you okay Phil? Was it the toast?" He weakly nods and closes his eyes again. I run to the kitchen and grab some cleaning products that I can find and I start working on scrubbing up the carpet, replacing the smell of vomit with bleach. I open the window and light a candle to help get rid of the smell and then I get a fresh flannel and some water to help clean up Phil a bit. Seeing him like this was heartbreaking, I felt so helpless and I just thought that he would just get better throughout the day but I couldn't help but feel like I was making his condition worse. And if I thought that Phil throwing up was bad, I was completely knocked back by what happened next….

 _A/N_

 _What happens…well stay tuned to see what happens in Phil's Unknown Sickness Part 2._

 _Also the diary entry is a real entry from my diary from this year as I am 15._


	28. Phil's Unknown Sickness Part 2

Around ten o'clock, I get into bed next to Phil and try to sleep, surprisingly I fall into a deep, dreamless sleep straight away. I am awoken by Phil next to me, around 2am and I feel him tossing and turning and then he sits up quickly and makes a few moans. I am suddenly on red alert, all tiredness disappears as I sit up to see what is going on, "What is it? What's wrong baby?" I ask, scared as hell as I see that he has doubled over in pain, holding his stomach. "There's…a…pain… in…my… stomach," He pants, his face clenches up. I put my hand on his back, not knowing how to help. "Okay, how bad is it on a scale of 1 to 10?" I ask, as thoughts race through my mind.

"9" He says and I know that I need to act quickly. I jump out of bed and grab my phone from the other side of the room. I press in the numbers and pace back and forth, all the while looking back at Phil. "Hello? Yes ambulance please. My boyfriend is in a lot of pain. His stomach, he's thrown up already and he's been like this all day. Okay, thanks" I give the lady on the phone our address and she tells me that an ambulance is on the way. O hang up and pull back the covers from Phil.

"I called an ambulance Phil, they'll be here soon." I tell him, I'm not sure if he is listening. I put his arm around my shoulders as I help him up and we walk slowly to the living room, where I help him onto the sofa. I go back and grab a top for Phil and help him put it on, so that he won't get cold. I sit next to him waiting, stroking his hair, holding his hand and trying to find ways to comfort him.

After what seems like forever, the doorbell finally rings and I let the paramedics in and lead them to Phil. They check his stomach and take his blood pressure and talk to each other in a language full of medical terms that I don't understand. Eventually, one of them looks up at to me, "We're going to take him in, there's a swelling in his stomach and he may need to have surgery." He says calmly, as they help him up.

"Will he be okay though?" I ask, about to cry. "He's in the right hands." He simply replies and they start to carry Phil off. I go in the ambulance with him, holding his hand the whole way and not daring to even look away from him. It all happened so fast, just this morning I was making pancakes and singing along to the radio and now my boyfriend is being rushed to hospital. I have never been more terrified in my life.

Once we arrived at the hospital, I struggle to keep up with Phil, as they wheel him into the building and a bunch of doctors and nurses gather around him. They then begin to wheel him off again, down a corridor, where a mean looking nurse stands in my way, "I'm sorry but visitor cannot pass through these doors, you'll have to wait in the waiting room." I stared helplessly behind her, at Phil's bed for a moment and then I turn around defeated and take a chair into the crowed room full of nervous looking people.

TO BE CONTINUED…


	29. Phil's Unknown Sickness Part 3

I pull out my phone and call the one person who could help me right now, biting my nails as I waited and prayed for him to pick up.

*Phone Conversation*

"Hello?" said the sleepy confused voice.

"Hi, Dan, it's me, Jess."

"Oh, hi Jess. Do you realise what time it is?" He jokes

"Yeah, I'm sorry. But Phil's been taken into hospital, he was in a lot of pain and they said he might need surgery and they've taken him away from me and I'm on my own and I'm so scared Dan." I blurt out in a panicked rush.

"What? Oh f*ck! That's just awful, look just stay calm Jess, and I'm going to be there as soon as I can. He'll be okay, I promise."

"Okay, thanks Dan." I say through my tears

*End of Phone Conversation*

I must have dozed off because when I open my eyes, the waiting room is pretty much empty and I have a horrible pain in my neck. I stand up and go and find a doctor to see what's going on. Unfortunately, the only person who I can find is the mean nurse who sent me away earlier, but I am desperate to find out any information.

"Can you please tell me where Phillip Lester is?" I ask, acting as politely as I can. She looks up from the papers in her hand and frowns at me. "Are you related to Mr. Lester?" She asks. "No, but I am his girlfriend and I came in with him. Could I just see him for a minute, please?" "I'm sorry but relations only." She coldly refuses. "Please, at least tell me what is happening? Is he okay?" I beg with her. "I'm sorry but you are no exception to the rules." She walks off and I am left once again, alone and helpless. "Jess!" I quickly turn around and see a panicked Dan running up to me. I run into his arms and we hug, whilst I sob into his t-shirt (luckily its black). "It's going to be okay Jess, he's going to be fine." Dan assures me but I can tell that he can't believe his own words. A doctor walks past us and Dan grabs his arm, "Excuse me, but can you tell me about a patient here? Phillip Lester, he was taken in this morning with stomach pains." Dan calmly asks, "I'm his next of kin." The doctor nods and looks through the files he is holding.

"Ah, yes. Mr. Lester was taken in for surgery to have his appendix removed, it won't take long. It's a routine procedure." "Okay, thank you." Dan says to the doctor. "When can we see him?" I ask, just as he is about to walk away. He looks at me with real sympathy, "I'll get someone to tell you when you can see him." He smiles and walks off. Dan and I sit in silence in the waiting room, not moving. Although I did fall asleep on Dan's shoulder, until the sun came up and people came and went around us.

"Daniel Howell?" We both look up as a young female nurse stands over us, "You can see Phillip now, though he's just coming around so he won't be his usual self." We both nod and eagerly follow her down a set of corridors till she stops at the door and gestures for us to go in. I go in first, pushing the door open slowly and I gasp as I see Phil lying in the bed, a drip attached to his hand and an oxygen mask covering his mouth. I rush over to his side and take his cold hand in my shaking hand.

"Phil, can you hear me? It's me." I say as he moves his head slightly and then he opens his eyes. I can see his twinkle in his eyes and even a weak smile from under the mask as he looks up at me. I burst into tears of relief and cover his hand in tiny light kisses. He pulls off his mask with the other hand so that he can talk, "Hey, stop crying silly, I'm not dead." He jokes and Dan chuckles from his other side. "You really scared me there Phil." I say, wiping away my tears, "I thought that I was going to lose you." "You will never lose me Jess, I'm not going anywhere. I'll always be here for you, I love you." He says and I bend over the bed to kiss him. "I love you too."


	30. Disappointments

I stay by Phil's side for the next few days, against his worries for me. On Wednesday morning he is discharged so Dan and I take him home. He no longer feels ill but he's on strong painkillers for at least a week, so I insist that he stays at home and take it easy. By the end of the week he is back to his normal self and refuses to be confined to the sofa for a second longer.

It was just a normal Monday afternoon and Phil was in his room editing a new video, I was bored with nothing to do. "Hey Phil, fancy seeing a film this afternoon?" I ask him, standing behind him as he sits at his computer. I kiss his neck and see his coy smile reflected in the screen. "Sorry baby, I can't really. This is going to take most of the day and I might have to re-shoot some of the clips." He replies, not turning around to face me. I can't help but feel disappointed but I go into the living room and decide to call my Gran instead.

*Phone Conversation*

"Hey Gran"

"Hello stranger! How are you doing? It's been so long, how's London?"

"I'm okay thanks, really bored actually. The boys are both working away in their rooms and I don't want to disturb them."

"Aw, that's a shame. Why don't you go for a walk? Go shopping and maybe make Phil something lovely for dinner."

"Yeah, that's a good idea, thanks Gran. I'll get my coat now! Anyway, I'll talk to you later and I miss you so much."

"I miss you too poppet, be sure to call me soon. Love you."

"Love you too."

*Phone Conversation ends*

I started feeling much better already as I head out of the flat and stroll into town. I find a local market, full of great smelling foods and happy chatting people. I walk around slowly, taking photos of stalls with the most colourful foods. I buy two amazing looking handmade pizzas, a loaf of freshly made bread and a couple of mouth-watering cupcakes. Feeling pleased with my collection, I head back home. I put the pizzas in the oven, lay the table with little candles, put on some romantic music for the background and put the cakes onto a plate I've just put a bit of lipstick on, when the boys finally emerge from their rooms.

"Surprise!" I say, hugging Phil as I feel proud my work, "I've got dinner in the oven, a bath for afterwards and I thought that I could bring the cinema here so we can watch a film." Phil's face falls from a beam to a weak smile. "I thought I told you baby, Dan and I are going out tonight, all the Radio 1 DJ's are going out and we already said yes." My mood plummets with every word and I feel a lump emerging in my throat. "I'm sorry babe, perhaps another time?" Phil brushes off me as he and Dan carry on walking past me and to the front door, "See you later!" He calls out to me and with a shut of the door, they are gone.

As soon as I know that they are no longer inside the building, I burst into tears because I thought that it would be nice for Phil and I could have a romantic night but obviously that wasn't going to be the case. I walk back into the dining room and see the table set, I even thought for a moment that he'd come running back up, full of apology but then anger started to arise in the deepest part of my mind, as the seconds tick I realise that he isn't coming back. "I was only trying to do something nice," I tell myself bitterly, out loud, "It was going to be a surprise, he could have at least said sorry or come home a bit earlier."

I know that I shouldn't be getting angry over a small thing like this but I can't stop myself from indulging in my mood. I walk around blowing out candles, turning off the music and I let the bath water out as angrily as I can. After all that I was ready to give Phil a piece of my mind Phil, I plan out what I was going to say to him and I was fuming on the sofa as I wait for him to come back. But as the hours drag on, I lose any energy I had left and I calm down with every second. Dan and Phil get back just after midnight and I wake up on the sofa when I hear the door shut. I sit up slowly (as you know what happens when you get up quickly) in the darkness. I am then blinded by the bright light as Phil walks in and pauses for a second by the door.

"I'm sorry." I start to say but he shakes his head and walks over to me. "Don't worry about it baby, I'm sorry that I had to go, but let's forget about it okay?" "Okay." I say, filled with relief as we walk into the bedroom. But that night I can't help but feel something peculiar, like something wasn't quite right.


	31. The Worst Day

The week progresses without any more arguments, well not that Phil and I actually argued, but needless to say things aren't quite right between us. We both try to act as if nothing is different, Phil books us tickets to see Les Mis during the week but I feel as if he's only doing this to stop me from being sad. I'm madly in love with him of course but I feel as though something is going to happen which scares me to death. The sun actually shows its face on a Saturday morning and I wake up feeling positive and determined to fix things and to have a good day.

"Why don't we go swimming?" I suggest over breakfast, Phil and I were sharing a bowl of cereal in bed, the radio turned on in the background, "We can pretend that we're still in America." "Yeah, maybe. Though Dan and I need to work on all these interviews for next weekend." I nod, knowing that Radio One's 'Big Weekend' was just around the corner and I know how stressed out Phil was going to get about it. "I know, but it's good to take some time off from work, just relax."

"I can't always take time off Jess, I'm not like you, and I have a job." Phil says, not really realising what he is saying. I stay quiet, my heart beat quickens as I try to think things through. "I know but it's just a lovely day and it would be a shame to let it go to waste." I say, trying to save the conversation, ignoring his last sentence.

"You know that you don't have to do everything with me Jess, you're an adult."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I say unsurely.

"It means that you keep pestering me all the time to do stuff with you and I just need a break from it." He answers back, coldly. Tears form in my eyes but I wipe them away before he can see.

"It's just hard for me Phil, I've just moved here and you two are the only people I know. So excuse me for wanting to be with you. I barely know my way around London!" I argue, feeling myself getting more and more flustered.

"YEAH, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU NEVER LEAVE THE BLOODY FLAT WITHOUT ME!" He yells. I stand up and start shaking.

"FINE! WATCH ME LEAVE THE FLAT! MAYBE I SHOULDN'T HAVE MOVED HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE! MAYBE THIS WAS A MISTAKE, YOU SHOULD GO BACK TO NATASHA! IT'S CLEAR THAT I'M IN THE WAY, SO I'LL GO!"

"NO! JESS, DO NOT RUN OUT OF HERE, IT WON'T SOLVE ANYTHING." Phil shouts after I storm out of the room and I instantly regret what I just said. I desperately want to run back into the room and beg for forgiveness but I find myself running down the stairs and slamming the door shut behind me.

I run to the local park and find a bench, out of breath and completely shaken up by the last few minutes. I have a panic attack sitting down and it takes a while for me to calm down. My hands are shaking and I can't stop crying, I'm so scared that I have upset Phil and every time I replay our argument, I get more and more upset. I can't believe that I let myself get that out of control, I should have thought before I spoke.

"Get a grip." I tell myself, "You can save this, we're going back and explain everything and tell Phil that we're so sorry." I wipe the last of my tears away and head back to the flat, ready to sort it out. "Hello?" I call out, turning my key into the lock and enter the dead silent flat. I started to get incredibly nervous again as I approach Phil's room, the door shut. It takes me a few minutes to get the courage to knock on the door. "Come in." He replies, in a harsh, cold tone. I push open the door and see Phil sitting on the edge of the bed, facing towards the window, his back facing me. I take a couple of steps and hover behind him.

"Phil…" I start talking but he interrupts me.

"Don't Jess. Just don't." We stay in complete silence for what seems forever, my heart pounding eccentrically. "I can't believe that you said that." Phil eventually says, turning to face me. Again, I open my mouth to talk but he carries on before I can say anything.

"You said that this was a _mistake._ " He says, his voice breaking on that last word and tears stream down his face. I long to go to him and comfort him but something in my mind says that I shouldn't. So I stand like a statue and do nothing.

"You broke my heart Jess, I know that we both got angry but you really hurt me and I don't what to do anymore." He shakes his head, looking down at the bed onto the duvet, making little dark circles.

"Look Phil, I'm so sorry, I really and truly am. I shouldn't have said any of that stuff, none of its true."

"Isn't it?" He looks back up and our eyes meet but this time there was no twinkle in his eye, no light.

"What do you mean?" I started to cry.

"I mean…maybe we did rush this…maybe…maybe." He pauses and I feel my heart break into a million tiny sharp shards, stabbing me. "Maybe it was too soon to move in together." He finishes his sentence and stands up.

"Do you want me to move out?" I cry, falling to pieces.

"Maybe…maybe it might be for the best. Just for now." I nod, not able to look him dead in the eye and move over to the wardrobe, already pulling out my clothes. He walks over and puts his hand on my arm, stopping me. "I love you Jess." He says and I manage to look up at him and I think that for a minute he will kiss me and say that we can fix things now and will tell me not to go.

But he doesn't. he just walks out of the room.


	32. AN

My update schedule will be out of wack for a while as I have some family issues going on at the moment. So my updates will be out of the blue. Please continue to read this story though.


	33. Heartbreak

I pack my suitcase up as hastily as I can, stuffing in all my possessions in a big messy pile. I gather up all my makeup from Phil's table but I freeze when I see the framed picture of us at VidCon, smiling and kissing in the pool. I remember the feeling I had at that moment, how I had vowed to always remember it. I start crying so I turn the photo so it faces downwards, shaking my head.

I walk out to the living room, my suitcase in tow and my heart sinks at the sight of the empty room. Was he not even going to say goodbye? I look around the room one last time, flashbacks playing back in my mind of all the happy times we shared in this flat. From the tickle fights to the funny dare games we played and the times we would just simply sit with each other peacefully. I take a deep breath in and continue my final walk out. This basically meant that Phil and I have broken up.

When I reach the front door, I take out my keys and take off my key to the flat and leave it on the side table. I felt as if I was leaving half of me behind in that flat and as soon as I stepped out of that door I felt empty, lost, alone and incomplete. Slowly and mournfully, I make my way down to the train station, it takes all my will power to not turn around and look back at the path I have just walked away from. I tell myself that this is for the best, to fix somethings you have to start again. I decide to put on some music and I stumble upon this one song watch?v=3YxaaGgTQYM and it makes me cry. The train trip home is the longest and most painful yet, knowing that there was a chance that I wouldn't be making the return trip, that this may be goodbye.

Gran of course, took great care of me as soon as I stepped off the train, she didn't leave my side at all that day and she let me cry as much as I wanted. I've felt this pain before back in high school and I know it sounds cheesy and I used to think that too, but heartbreak really does _break_ you. It leaves you empty and makes you mourn for the relationship you once had and fills you up with regret and 'what ifs'. I would give literally anything to go back in time and do things differently (although there would be certain rules against this), perhaps we would be in a park right now, eating ice cream and taking silly selfies if I had kept calm.

That's the thing, you live in 'wonder land' in your head during the first part of a breakup, you imagine what you would be doing now, you remember all the beautiful memories and you try to take yourself back there. But you can't go back, at some point you are forced to come to terms with what is happening and you have to accept it and that is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The days go so slowly, I lie down in bed praying that the pain would disappear. Nothing makes sense in my head anymore and I don't know what to do.

"Come on sweetheart, time to get up." Gran commands, walking into my room on Saturday, drawing open the curtains and pulling back my covers. "You've been in bed for far too long, now it's time to get up and get over it." She orders, helping me up. "Go have a shower, get dressed and eat some breakfast downstairs." I nod and follow her instructions, glad to be doing something after a week of staying in bed replaying memories.

Twenty minutes later, I am sat at our small dining table, nibbling on some toast. I absent-mindedly lean over and switch on the radio and tap my feet to the music in the background. I finish off my food and walk over to the sink to wash up my plate. Then I hear his voice, in my kitchen, in my house. I spin around so quick that I drop my plate and it shatters on the floor.

My heart plummets as I realise that the voice is coming from the radio. He's at the 'Big Weekend' festival, chatting with Dan. He sounds happy, his usual self. Thousands of questions zip around my head, 'Is he really that happy now?', 'Is he putting this tone on for the radio?', 'Does he miss me?' none of which I know the answer too. I switch off the radio and start to clean up the mess on the floor.

"Are you alright love?" Gran asks, appearing at the doorway, looking at the broken plate on the floor. "Yeah, I'm fine. It was him on the radio, it just gave me a surprise that's all." I explain. "Do you need a hug sweetheart? That must have been hard to hear him." She walks towards me with her arms open. "Actually, I'm okay." I shake my head, "I've decided that the best way to move on is to completely shut him out. A clean break." "That's great sweetie, I'm so proud of you. See, I told you that you're stronger than this. You will get through all of this." I nod and sigh as I finish clearing up the shattered plate. As I go back upstairs, I feel ever so slightly better, it was good to say my plans out loud. For the first time I felt as though I was going to get through this mess, that was until…I looked at my phone.


	34. Louise Calls

I pick up the ringing phone, diving over to my bed to get to it before it rang out.

*Phone Conversation*

"Hello?"

"Hey Jess! It's just me, Louise"

"Oh, hiya. How are you?"

"I'm good thanks. Look I heard about you and Phil and I am completely heartbroken for you love." I get a tight feeling in my chest at the mention of Phil.

"It's okay Louise, I don't really want to talk about it."

"Oh that's fine Jess, I wasn't calling about that really. I was wondering if you were free next week, I'm invited to a wedding with a plus one and I thought that it could be fun if we went together. What do you say?" My mood picks up immediately, I couldn't help but love a good wedding however, I couldn't shake off the feeling that Louise was only asking me out of sympathy.

"Wow that sounds great, but are you sure you want to take me?"

"Of course! Well, to be honest a lot of my friends are already going and we all want you to come too, so now you can!"

"Wow, thank you so much Louise! Whose wedding is it?"

"Finn and Jenna's!" She excitedly calls down the phone.

"Oh my God! Really? They want me to come?"

"Yes silly! So pick out a dress because it's going to be great!"

*Phone Conversation ends*

After arranging the details with Louise and more squeals of delight from both of us, I hung up and rush downstairs to tell Gran the good news. We go out for the rest of the day, looking for the perfect dress for one of the most anticipated wedding of all time. It was great to be distracted by shopping with Gran, I even forgot about Phil for a moment and I let myself smile.

The wedding is mainly all I can think about for the next several days. I picked out a light blue floaty dress that hovers just above my knees, a nude pair of stockings/tights, a pair of black heels and a clutch bag covered in flowers made out of sequins and I decided to do light waves in my hair and two small plaits braided back around my head. I was ready to let go of all of my sadness and the weight of the past month. This was going to be a fresh start.


	35. The Wedding

I take the train down to London on Friday afternoon, texting Louise the whole way, both of us getting each other more and more excited. I get a taxi to meet Louise at a hotel that she was booked into and we spend the evening having a long bubble baths, painting our nails, watching rom-coms and gossiping. It's the most fun I've had in weeks and I realise how much fun I appreciate having a friend as supportive as Louise.

"Thanks Louise, for doing this for me." I say after we finish the film. "Aw, it's my pleasure chummy! I know that you don't want to talk about it but I really feel for you, having to go through that with Phil. I really thought that you two would stay together." "Yeah…me too." I say, allowing myself the moment of reflection. "Are you in contact with him?" She asks, bringing me out of flashback mode and back into reality. "Um, no. I haven't spoken to him since I moved out." "Oh wow." She remarks, switching the TV off, "Oh wait, hold on! Does this mean that you don't know that he'll be there tomorrow?" Her face is an expression of horror as the news dawns upon us both.

"Umm, no! Louise! Is he really going?" I jump up, full of panic. "Well, kind of, well yes." She admits, "But I think that you'll be okay. It's a chance to prove to yourself that you are stronger now." She quickly adds.

*Time Skip*

Finn and Jenna's wedding is at a beautiful, huge, country house just outside of London but it feels like it's in the middle of nowhere, not even a road was in sight. The ceremony is in a grand hall, white roses and lilies all along the aisle. We find a couple of seats next to Zoe, Joe and Alfie nearest to the alter. As we are so close to the front, I do not see Phil or Dan, so I relax and enjoy the ceremony. I was moved to tears as Jenna gracefully walks towards Finn and as they exchange heart touching vows and rings.

Phil's POV

The reception is in a reconverted, covered in fairy lights and bunting. My table is on the other side of the room to Jess's, so whilst we eat and hear the speeches I am relaxed. But I cannot stop looking over at Jess's table and seeing her laugh, I was almost in tears at how happy Jess looks. The whole room sobs at Finn's speech and my heart throbs at the way he looks at Jenna, as if he can't believe his luck. I used to look at Jess the same way.

The dancing starts around 8pm, as the room gets louder, the lights get dimmer as the only light source is now candles. We gather around in a big circle as the happy couple slow dance to their chosen song, it's truly magical. After the first slow song, the DJ puts on some faster, upbeat songs and we all run onto the dance floor. About half an hour later, all the other girls except for Jess went to freshen up but I decide to walk over to her as the songs fades away and 'Tom Odell- Grow Old with Me' starts to play, the same song that Jess and I had once danced to. Couples around me slowly dance and when I finally make my way over to her. Jess was the beautiful in that blue dress.

I reach her and we stand looking at each other for a moment, until I take her hands and loop them around the back of my neck and I rest my hands on her waist. We dance subtlety together, looking into each other's eyes. It's like everything around us pauses and all my thoughts disappear as I lose myself in the song. "You look stunning." I whisper in her ear, "Come with me?" I ask, taking her hand as I lead her out of the room. I take her outside into the darkness and find a bench away from the barn.

"Look, I've made a huge mistake Jess, I love you so much and I can't bear this second any longer. I need you back, back forever." I take her hands into mine and kiss her fingers. "I love you too Phil, this last month has been the hardest month of my life without you." "God, I've missed you Jess. I'm never going to lose you again, okay? This is it, you're the only one for me and I want to spend the rest of my life loving you. If you'll let me?" In reply I kiss her and I pull her close, tears roll down both our cheeks and she holds me tightly. Above us the fireworks start to go off but neither one of us looks up, we are in our personal bubble of warmth, security and love.

*End of Phil's POV*


	36. Together Again Part 1

Phil and I spend the rest of the evening in each other's arms, our eyes transfixed on each other. It felt so good to be finally back together with him, I felt lighter and as if a switch had been pulled and the light had turned back on.

"Oh my flipping God." Is Louise's reaction as we walk back into the dimly lit barn and she spots Phil's arm wrapped around my waist and our grins were giving it away as well. "Is this? Are you?" She stutters out, putting down her drink to embrace us. "Yes." Phil says, looking down at me and grasping me ever so slightly. "I'm so delighted for you two! This is amazing, see I told you that you were meant to be together." She smugly tells me, giving me a huge hug.

"Guys! Does this mean?" Dan starts to ask us, walking over to us from the dance floor, looking very smart in a black suit. "Yep! They're back together!" Louise answers him, jumping up and down. Dan grins with a look of relief as he gives me a hug. "Actually guys, is it okay if Jess and I could have a minute?" Phil says, giving them a knowing look. "Of course, say no more. Louise and I will get some cake." And with that, Phil and I find ourselves alone again.

"So…" I start to say delicately brushes a loose strand of hair out of face. "So…" He repeats and I find that I am not able to take my eyes off his luscious lips. "Where do we go from here?" I ask the question which fills my mind. Well apart from Phil of course. "Let's get some drinks." He says "Then we can dance like crazy at fast songs. Once we have had enough we'll head back to my hotel where we can do whatever we want and I'll get to wake up next to you." We go and grab a few tequilas and for the rest of the night it was a blur.

I wake up at around 3am and I am so confused about how I got here and why I was lying next to Phil fast asleep next to me. I quickly run to the bathroom and vomit in the toilet. I rinse my mouth out with water and I grab a drink while I'm in there. Before leaving the bathroom I grab some gum from my bra (yeah I know it's a weird place to have gum) and shove it in my mouth so that my breath doesn't smell as if I've just vomited.

Once I am refreshed, I walk back into Phil's room and see that Phil is now also awake, sitting up, rubbing his eyes. "Hey you." He grins, seeing me in the doorway. "Hey." I reply, suddenly feeling self-conscious by the fact that I was only wearing Phil's shirt from the wedding, having no clue why I was wearing it. "Are you okay baby?" He asks, aware that I hadn't moved from the doorway.

 **What happens next….tune in next time**


	37. Together Again Part 2

"No, I'm not fine. I've just vomited and I cannot sleep." I say, walking over to sit on the edge of the bed, next to Phil. "Aw, baby. Poor you." He strokes my hair and I feel myself relax as he soothes me, "Want to stay up and talk instead?" "Sure, well, if you don't mind." "Of course not, why sleep when I can talk to my favourite person in the entire world." He pulls back the covers and shuffles over so that I can get into the bed, resting my head on his warm, bare shoulder.

"So…what have I missed?" Phil asks, and I'm not sure if he's joking or actually trying to find out what happened in the time we were separated. Either way, this isn't my favourite topic right now, plus I don't feel too confident about talking about it. "Nothing really." I say and I stopped myself before saying anything about how depressed I was. "It's okay Jess, you can be honest. Don't worry about me." I look up at Phil and this time I knew he wasn't joking. "Well, it was pretty much the worst time of my life. I cried pretty much every day and I just hoped and prayed that I would get through the pain, and well…I guess that I did." He nods, keeping a poker face.

"Sounds like me. It was the loneliest I have ever felt, it was so quiet around the flat without you, it wasn't right. Dan even found me one night, having a breakdown over a hairband of yours that I found in my room." He half laughs and I am firstly hit with a pain of sadness for poor Phil and also a tiny part of me is relieved that he didn't find the time without me great. That he didn't move on and realize I was a mistake.

"Yeah, I got a shock when I heard you on the radio one morning. I thought that you came back and I was heartbroken when it was just the radio. I really thought it was over for good." Tears fall from eyes and Phil brushes them away, holding me closer. "Well that's all over now. We're together now and that's all that matters to me." "Me too." I agree. We kiss slowly and gently as a sudden wash of sleep fills me and I find myself yawning and struggling to stay awake. "Come on baby, let's get you to sleep, you look pretty tired to me." We lower ourselves down into a lying position on the bed and within seconds I am deeply asleep, dreaming that I am walking down a dark pathway towards Phil who whispers that he loves me once I reach him.


	38. Home Part 1

I get a taxi over to Louise's hotel in the morning, wearing my dress from the wedding which I hide under one of Phil's jumpers. I knock on our door and as soon as Louise opens it she leaps on me with a huge bear hug. "Oh, I'm so happy for you!" She says, finally letting me go and inviting me into the room. "Thanks Lou, I'm happy for me too." I reply, sitting down on my bed, "And also, thanks for being there for me. You know, when I was down and lonely you really picked me up. Without you I wouldn't have even come to the wedding and seen Phil."

"So it's all down to me then!" She jokes, doing a little dance of excitement, "Hey, I'll get to tell that story at your wedding!" She adds and I feel my cheeks turn red. "So, how are things going with you two then? Seriously, is it okay?" She sits down on her bed, which is opposite me as she changes her tone. "You know, it's different to how it was before. It's better." Her eyebrows rise as she waits for more information. "It feels more important this time, like we both have grown up in the time that we were separate and it's more serious." "In a good way?" She checks.

"Yes, definitely. We're stronger now as a couple and that excites me. I mean, I feel like this is it. He's the one for me, I'm certain of that now." I nod along to my words and notice that Louise is starting to cry a little. "Oh Louise, I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you cry." I move over to embrace my friend. "Oh no, it's happy tears Jess. I'm just glad that you found Phil." Then I start crying. After about half an hour of tears and packing, Louise and I check out of the hotel she gets a taxi to take her to the train station but I hang around the lobby for Phil to come and pick me up so we can go home together.

 **…** **What happens next? Tune in next time.**

 **A/N**

 **Sorry that this is a short chapter. I'm currently studying for exams. So I'll be more consistent from the 27** **th** **November. I'm also sorry that there is so many Part 1 and 2's in this story. I'm thinking of making a sequel so that this story isn't so long**

 **Keep on reading and get your friends to read this story.**


	39. Home Part 2

"Hey love of my life." He greets me, giving me a long hug and a kiss even though I had only left his hotel an hour ago, "Ready to go?" He asks, I nod as I take his hand and follow him to the waiting taxi. We had made a plan last night that we'd get the train back together to my house, spend a couple of days there and then see what happens. In my mind I was ready to move back into the flat but I knew in my heart that I was rushing it and it may just backfire on me, so I was perfectly satisfied with this new plan.

It felt so good to be on a elongated train journey home, sitting next to Phil and knowing that goodbyes were days or even longer than that in a way. I can't take my eyes off Phil the entire train ride, I was trying so hard to keep hold of this feeling of unreserved paradise and affection as if looking away would break this strong spell. I grin up at Phil as I put the key into my front door, looking forward to seeing Gran's reaction to my guest, much like when Phil came down for the first time.

"Gran? I'm back!" I call out, stepping into the homely hallway. "Jess!" She calls out, running towards me from the laundry. She jumps on me and gave me a mammoth of a hug. I then realise a few seconds later that she has seen Phil as she suddenly let's go and grabs him instead. Phil awkwardly chuckles as he hugs her back. "Hello stranger!" She says, standing back to look at him, "How have you been?" "Well before I bumped into your lovely granddaughter I wasn't going too well, you see I made a big mistake in letting her go but now I'm never going to let that happen ever again." Phil says, taking my hand.

"Well thank God for that!" She exclaims, making us all laugh with relief and joy as Gran pulls us both in for a hug. Phil treats us to dinner that night at a small, cosy Italian in the shopping centre and when we get home, we all sit outside in our back garden wrapped up in blankets, drinking wine and just chatting. The next day we wake up late, tired from the last two busy days. Gran cooks us a roast for lunch and after Phil and I wash up (which involves a lot of splashing each other) we go for a slow mosey around town. It's nothing special or out of the ordinary but it's one of the best days I can remember. There's such a feeling of family and belonging.

On Monday morning, Phil and I are sitting on my bed, just relaxing and messing around. I'm lying down with my head on Phil's lap whilst he reads from an old diary of mine that he had found. "Haha, listen to this one baby." Phil says cheerfully and I moan in embarrassment, "November 2005, Monday evening. Oh God, Gran's super annoyed with me today. She finally gave me a house key last week, after months of begging, and I accidentally got locked out of the house after school today because I lost the key. Now she won't allow me to have a new one for a week, it's unfair!"

Phil is practically killing himself laughing, even doing a high pitched voice as he reads out my entry. "Aww, poor little Jess lost her keys!" He teases me, loving ever second. "I'm not like that now!" I point out, trying to pout but failing to contain my laugh. "Oh really? So where are your keys right now?" I sit, ready to prove my point. I get up and go over to my handbag which is on my desk. "They should be in here…somewhere." I rattle around, trying to fight my way through the rubbish, "Where are they? I swear that they are in here!" "Do you mean these keys?" I turn around to see Phil holding up my set of keys, looking very smug.

"What? How did you get them?" I puzzle, taking them from him, however I do not get a reply. "Phil?" I ask again but he gives me a coy smile and simply nods to the keys in my hand. I look down and realise that I have a new edition to my usual bunch. I look back up slowly to see his eyes twinkle as he watches my reaction.

But I cannot find any words at all, I am in shock as I hold up the bunch by the new key. He nods and I start to relax as it sinks in. words still failing me so I reach over and pull him towards me and give him a kiss. His arms wrap around me as we celebrate. "Are you sure?" I check, leaning back slightly to see his expression. "100%" He answers, kissing me before I could say another word.


	40. Pregnant

Later that week I have moved into Dan and Phil's flat for the second time, this time bringing more of my stuff with the hope of a more permanent move. Phil and I had talked about what went wrong with us last time, to make sure that the same mistakes didn't happen again. So this time, I have managed to find an opening in the London YouTube space as an intern as an adviser and events planner. It was great to have something in London that was mine, this time I wouldn't be hanging around the flat waiting for Phil all day long.

"How are you doing? Are you nervous?" Phil asks me, watching me from his bed as I stand in front of the mirror getting ready for my first day at work. But something was wrong, I felt as if I was going to vomit so I run to the toilet and vomit. I hear Phil knock on the door, "Jess are you alright?" "No" I reply. "Do you want me to call a doctor?" "No, I should be fine."

"Okay. Do you want me to call your work and tell them that you won't be in today?" he asks. "Yes please." I reply. "Babe?" I ask, "Yes?" he replies, "Maybe you should go out for the day. So that you don't get infected from my sickness." "Okay baby." Phil walks out of the room to call my work and he comes back in and says to me "I told them that wouldn't be coming into work today because you weren't feeling 100% and they said that's fine." He kisses me on the forehead. "Thanks babe," I say to him. "Baby, I'm going over to Peej's for a few hours to catch up on what I had missed out on while I was with you." "Okay, have fun!" I say to him.

As soon as I know that Phil is no longer in the building I decide to text Louise.

 _Hey Louise, could you come over to Dan and Phil's place? Like right now. –J_

To my surprise she texts me back a second later.

 _Hey Jess, sure. I'll be there in 10 minutes-L_

 _Thanks Louise. –J_

 _No problem Jess –L_

*Ten minutes later*

There's a knock on the door, "Coming!" I yell. I open the door and it's Louise. "Thank you for coming Louise." "No problem Jess. Now what do you require my services for?" She asks. "I think I might be pregnant." "Are you sure?" "Yes, I missed my period. It was supposed to come last week." "Oh shit! Do you want me to go and buy you a pregnancy test?" "Yes please. I'll pay you back." "You don't have to do that Jess." "Yes, I do. You're buying this for me to see if I really am pregnant. So I need to pay you back." "Okay, I won't argue with you." She replies.

Louise just goes to the chemist that is 2 minutes away from Dan and Phil's and when she returns she has the test. I go to Phil's room to get my purse and I pay Louise the money. "Thanks again Louise." "No problem Jess. Now go to the toilet and see if it comes back positive." She replies.

After five minutes, I come back with a mortified look on my face. "Jess? Is it positive or negative?" Louise asks "It's positive." I reply, I start crying. "Don't cry Jess." "These aren't sad tears Louise, these are happy tears. I have to tell Phil immediately." "Okay, if that's all I'll be off, I have to go film a video with Zoe. Bye!" "Bye!" After Louise had gone I pull out my phone and text Phil

 _Hey babe, I have some news for you but you need to come home. I have to tell you this news in person :') xxx –J_

 _Okay, I'm on my way now ;) xxx –P_

 _See you soon then 3 xx –J_

When Phil walks into the lounge room, I have the pregnancy test behind my back. "Baby, what's this news that you want to tell me?" He asks. "I'm pregnant!" I say enthusiastically. "We're going to be parents?" he asks "Yes!" I hand him the pregnancy test and that twinkle in his eye appeared again and he smiled with glee. "Should we tell Dan?" "Yes, he'd be happy for won't he?" "Yeah, of course."

"Dan!" Phil yells, "Yeah Phil." "Can you come to the lounge room Jess and I have some news to tell you." "Coming." Dan of course takes his time. "What's this news you guys want to tell me." Dan says. "Jess and I are going to be parents!" "Congrats guys!" Dan says with glee. "I told you, he'd be happy for us" Phil whispers to me.

 **THE NEXT DAY**

So today I decided that I should go to work so I could do my training. I loved it and when I got home Dan, Phil and I had pizza to celebrate my first official day at work. "I really love this job. I love it even more than I did when I worked at Apple." I say to Dan and Phil. "I'm so happy that you love your job baby. You should go and make a video telling your subscribers that you got a job and that you're pregnant." Phil says to me. "Okay."

I go into Phil's room to film. "Hey Chatterboxes, sorry I haven't uploaded a video in a while I've been really busy. The main thing is that I got my dream job at YouTube and I'm pregnant." I go on for a bit "Thanks for watching and don't forget to like, comment and subscribe." I finish filming and I go see if Dan is willing to edit my video for me. After Dan finished editing the video I immediately uploaded it and the comment were so nice and the occasional hater comment. A lot of the comments said congrats girl.

I decide to go to bed and Phil is laying there asleep like a cute little lion. I get in the bed as quietly as possible and as soon as my head hit that pillow I was out like a light. Until I was rudely awoken to the fact that I needed to vomit. Once I finished vomiting I washed my mouth and cleaned my teeth and went back to bed.


	41. Engagement

*3 weeks later*

"So this is it. After weeks of training and practice hopefully you all are much more informed and knowledgeable about what goes behind the scenes here. I hope that you all take away something from here." I am sitting along with all my fellow interns, as we listen to our leader from the past few weeks at the YouTube offices. My heart is pounding away, knowing that there is a chance that I could get my dream job today.

"Anyway, on to the announcement, as you may have guessed we will be hiring two of you today based on how well you have developed here and what we think you will bring to our company. So, congratulations to Jamie and Jess!" Tears suddenly fills my eyes as shock sprints through my body. People around me clap my back and congratulate me as I try to compose myself. But then I get start to feel sick and my immediate reaction is to go to the toilet. "Excuse me! Sorry." I say as I pass through my fellow interns and I reach the toilet just in time.

After I finished vomiting, I almost run home to Phil that afternoon, feeling on top of the world, like I have just won a gold medallion. As soon as I appear at the top of the stairs in the flat, the boys are both waiting for me, their fingers crossed for my news. "Well?" Phil says, after leaving them hanging for a few more seconds. "I got it!" I scream and I jump into Phil's arms, the boys cheering loudly for me. "Oh my God Jess! I told you that you'd get it!" Phil cheers, kissing me.

"Well done Jess, that's awesome!" Dan says, giving me a hug. "Thanks guys, it feels great to have accomplished something this huge by myself. I have my dream job!" I whoop, throwing my hands in the air. "I guess that makes three of us then." Phil winks and we all have a group hug together. We then go into the kitchen where I pop a bottle of champagne for the boys and I grab a glass of water and we all toast to success and happiness.

"Right. Well I better be off then." Dan says, once we all have calmed down and finished our glasses of champagne and water. "What? Aren't you going to celebrate with us?" I complain, as he puts on his jacket. "Actually….we have plans of our own." Phil says slyly, grinning at Dan. "We do?" I say, giving Phil a puzzled look. "Yep, it's a surprise. So you'll have to wait and see." He teases me, as we say goodbye to Dan for the night. "So, what's this surprise then?" I ask, snuggling into Phil's chest.

"Okay, first go into the bedroom and put on the clothes that I have laid out for you and then meet me back here once you're ready." I follow his instructions as I walk into our room and open the door to find a gorgeous floor length red dress, a pair of black heels and a red rose which upon inspection turns out to be a hair clip. I slip on the silky dress and put on the shoes, all the while wondering what we could be doing tonight. I touch up my makeup, and fix my hair into a low messy bun, clipping the rose in next to it.

I walk out to the living room once I am done and to my surprise Phil is in a slim fitting jet black suit, his mouth nearly falls to the ground when he sees me and we stand in a moment of awe and silence as we take in how hot we both look. "You look…stunning." He says as he lightly kissing me and takes my hand, "Are you ready?" I nod in answer and I follow him out of the flat and walk down to the local restaurant. We arrive at the restaurant, "This is where we are having dinner tonight." He tells me with a twinkle in his eye. I look over his shoulder to a room full of tables and lights.

"Really? That is so romantic, thanks babe." I kiss his cheek as we walk into the restaurant and I realise the building is empty except for us. "I booked the whole thing for us." He says, answering the question that I was thinking. We sit down by a window as some romantic music starts playing. "This is so amazing Phil." I tell him, halfway through our main, "I mean, this only happens in films, I could be dreaming right now."

"I wanted tonight to be special." He starts to explain and my mind immediately tells me that tonight **_could_** be the night. Is Phil going to propose? "I mean, you got your dream job today and also I felt as though we should celebrate us." I nod as I try to stay cool and not freak out about the fact that this could be the most important night of my life. We get a pudding and I can't help but look around in my chocolate mousse for a ring and every time Phil spoke my heart would leap up to my throat. As the evening went on however, I doubted my thoughts more and more as time started to run out.

We start to walk back to the flat once we had finished the gorgeous food and I start leaning over as I am starting to feel tired. Phil picks me up in his arms and I tell myself to not cry and ruin this lovely evening. When we reach to the front of the flat, Phil places me down and opens the building door for me and I start heading up the stairs, however I start to notice that the further up I went there were more and more red rose petals scattered on the stairs. Eventually, I get to our front door and find it slightly ajar.

I walk into our flat and my breath is suddenly taken away, my heart skips a beat as I take in my surroundings. The whole room is filled with candles, from hundreds of tiny tea lights to huge candles, covering every surface. On the floor are more scattered petals, shaped in a heart and I realise that I am standing in the middle. As I turn around I see Phil, kneeling before me with a small black box in his hands.

"Jess, it's safe to say that I am madly and truly in love with you. I've never felt like this before in my entire life and when I lost you I felt as if all the lights in the world had been turned off. I know that I can't spend a single day without you and I hope that I never have to because you are my world, you're my life and you are **_everything_** to me. I want to wake up every morning to you and our beautiful baby girl or boy, tell you I love you every single day, kiss you until my lips until they turn blue and cherish you for a thousand years. I want to grow old with you. So, will you do me the greatest honor of marrying me?

Tears run down both of our faces as he opens the small black box to reveal a beautiful ring that glistens in the candlelight. "Yes!" I say and he slides the ring onto my finger. I kneel down next to him as we take each other into our arms and kiss.

Suddenly I hear a noise in our room, "Dan is that you?" I ask and no reply. I decide to go see what is happening…

 **What happens next.**


	42. Shot and Hospitalized

I walk into our room and I am met by a person who is robbing our room. I try to stop him but he shot me in the stomach.

PHIL'S POV

I hear a gunshot go off in our room and I run in the gunman jumped out of the window but then I see my beautiful fiancée laying on the ground with a wound in her stomach. My immediate reaction was to call 999 (A/N I'm not sure if that's the number you call in the UK) "Dan! Help, it's Jess!" I call out, Dan runs in and to his shock he's upset. "I'm sorry Phil. I love you, I love you." She cried, and I felt myself sobbing loudly. Dan was putting pressure on her stomach, and Jess screamed in pain. I heard the sirens as Jess's grip on my hand loosened, and I squeezed it tighter.

"Don't you dare leave me, baby. No, you can't!" Suddenly I was forced back as the medics arrived and Jess was taken away before I could even register what had just happened. I lifted my hands to my face, shocked, then gasped at what was on my hands. Blood. Blood everywhere.

I didn't bother to call Jess's Gran or Louise (Jess's best friend). Jess wouldn't want them to know about it unless the worst happened. So I sat there, in the waiting room, waiting. No shit Sherlock. Jess was in surgery for over 4 hours. Apparently they were having many difficulties. But as long as they brought Jess and the baby out alive, I would wait as many hours as possible for her. The police came to me as soon as I had stopped crying, asking for my statement.

"I had just proposed to her and she went to the bedroom to change out of her dress. But it wasn't me, I swear. The gunman jumped out the window as I entered the room and I ran straight to her." I tried to piece the events together, but all I could remember was my emotions. Guilt, pain, heartbreak. "What did he look like?"

I shut my eyes, wishing I didn't have to relive the moment, but I knew I had to get justice. For Jess. "He had…brown hair. Dark brown. Probably a light brown when it wasn't raining. It was long…ish. Dark eyes." "Height?" "About 6 foot." The policeman's phone went off, and he took the call, then spoke to me. "We think we got the guy, he was in possession of a gun. He's been arrested." I nodded, relieved. "Good." They left me alone after that, and the long, hard hours began again.

"Philip Lester?" As soon as my name was called, I jumped up, and the doctor smiled at me. "Jess is out of surgery now. Sorry to say but one of the babies could not be saved. Anyway she's resting, but you can go in and see her." I start sobbing because we just lost our baby. "Is she okay?" I sniffled. He nodded, "We'll have to discuss this with Jess, when she wakes up." That didn't sound so good, "Is there something wrong?" Panic rose in my voice, and instantly every possible bad thing that could happen ran through my mind.

He frowned. "Philip I can't discuss this with you without permission from Jess." He led me to her room and immediately I went to her side. Unlike the time when we broke up. But last night was so perfect and then that bastard decides to shoot my fiancée in the stomach and killing one of our little baby girl or boy. About an hour later her eyes flutter open, and she grabbed my hand tightly, gasping. Her heart rate went up and a nurse rushed in.

"Where am I? Phil?" "Shh, you're in hospital. You were shot and the baby died." I felt tears brimming in my eyes and as I blinked, they slid down. Jess let her head fall to the pillows, and her eyes filled with tears as she looked at me. "I thought I was going to lose you. Lose everything." "I thought the same thing." I smiled at her and she sighed. The doctor arrived and checked over Jess.

"I think you should be able to go home in a few days, but one of the babies died because of the bullet. Which I might add it was the baby girl who sadly passed. The baby boy is fine we fixed the problem so he is going to be fine." Jess and I start to cry because we lost one of the twins that we didn't even know we were having. The doctor left us after giving us that piece of news. "You didn't tell Gran or Louise did you? Please say you didn't?" "I didn't." "I'll make us get the pity party." She tried to smile, but just sniffled instead. She tried to sit up, but winced in pain. "Shit, I'm going to have the worst scar ever." A nurse came in and gave her morphine. Jess's eyes began to drift and she clutched my hand weakly.

"Don't leave." She mumbled before she fell asleep. I smiled at her as I kissed her hand before crawling up on my seat, to try and catch some Zzz's too. I could be with any girl who would be less complicated, less broken than Jess, but her imperfections are what make her perfect to me, and I couldn't see myself anywhere else but by her side.


	43. Mini Phil comes into the world

8 months later

JESS'S POV

Phil and I were still not married because of what happened 8 months ago. But today was the day when our mini Phil comes into the world today. As I cannot give birth naturally, I have to get a C-Section.

It was a long wait in the hospital so that our baby could come into the world. I was so nervous and Phil could tell. "Baby, don't be nervous, this mini Phil is going to bring us even closer." He reassures me. The doctor comes out "Philp Lester and Miss Jess, we're ready for you now."

After a few minutes, out comes mini Phil healthy as ever. His hair black like Phil's but he had lovely brown eyes like his mother.

PHIL'S POV

His hair is black just like mine but his eyes were a beautiful as his mother's. "We're parents now!" I exclaimed. "This is so exciting!" Jess says. "Baby, what are we going to name our son?" I ask. "Maybe Thor or Evan." "I like the sound of Thor!" "Okay! Thor it is. Welcome to this world Thor Lester." Jess says to Thor.

After a few days, everyone we knew was buying us gifts for Thor. "Baby, when are we going to get married?" I ask. "Next year in January." "Okay!"

 **Sorry this is a short chapter.**


	44. Announcing Our Wedding

5 months later

JESS'S POV

It's been 11 months since Phil got down on one knee and it was like living in some fantasy world where everything was perfect and unbelievable (even with Thor). We invited my Gran down that week to tell her the news face to face. She was overjoyed and bursts into tears when she saw the ring and pulled Phil and I into a tight hug. "Baby, do you want to go get Thor?" I ask Phil. "Sure. Thor, Daddy's coming to get you so, I show you to someone." Phil comes back with Thor. "So this is the great grandson you've been talking about. He's gorgeous he looks more like his Dad than his Mum." Gran says. "Gee thanks Gran." I reply.

In fact we were so busy with taking care of Thor that we didn't get a chance to talk about the wedding with just the two of us, so Phil cleared his day on a Sunday and we started brainstorming together. Thor was spending the day with Dan. "Obviously we'll have an eagle flying down the aisle with the rings." Phil jokes, sketching out his plan on a piece of paper. "A whole fleet of eagles really." I add, grinning as I watch him draw several large birds flying through a church. "Oh, and we should sing our vows!"

"Yes! Although I think that I'd prefer to rap mine if that's okay." He adds a drawing himself rapping into a microphone, complete with a snap back and sunglasses. "Seriously though, what do you want?" I say after a moments pause, looking into his eyes. "Honestly?" I nod, "I don't care if we invite one person or one hundred people. Or if it's in a huge, fancy church or a cosy, little chapel. Or if you wear a stunning dress or just jeans. What I'm trying to say is, as long as I get married to you, I don't care how we do it."

I nod in agreement as I fall even more in love with my fiancée. "That sounds good to me. I always dreamed of a fairy tale wedding with a huge dree and hundreds of guests, but now that's not what I want. I just want to spend the day with you and end up becoming Mrs. Lester." "Then it's a deal." He says, leaning over to kiss me.

"Okay, are you sure you're ready for this? There's plenty of time to back out and everything." Phil says, looking concerned at me from behind his camera. I take a deep breath in. "Nope, I'm ready for this. It's going to be okay." I reassured him as he takes a seat next to me in his room, as we start to film a video announcing our engagement. Phil's subscribers have been pretty cool so far with our relationship, which could be because we kept it down low when we were on camera so I wasn't feeling too scared about their reaction to this news. We decided to put the news at the end of one of his videos, to keep things cool and not get a huge overreaction just in case.

"Okay then. Let's do it." He takes my hand in his and gives me a quick kiss on the cheek, "Okay, so I hope you've enjoyed this latest instalment on things I thought were real but are not true 4, but you will have notices that I am now joined by a very special guest to give a quick announcement on maybe why I'm not completely weird after all." He pauses and looks over at me with a huge grin.

"We're getting married!" He says, happily and I nod along, "Which of course is great news but don't worry because I am not going anywhere just yet, so still expect your awkward/ weird tales of woe each week." This is my cue now to say something, but I find that I can't, my throat feels too tight and there are red hot tears forming in my eyes. "I'm sorry." I blub, "I don't think I can do this." I stand up and run out of the room, so embarrassed that I let Phil down and I couldn't even get out a sentence.

"Jess! Baby, what's wrong? What happened?" Phil follows me out to the kitchen where I slide down the walls and sit on the floor, hiding my face in my knees. He gets down next to me and put his arm around me, pulling me in to him. He lets me cry for a while, just stroking my hair and comforting me, until the tears stopped. "What happened Jess?" He asks softly, catching the last few tears with his fingers and stroking a strand of hair behind my ear. "I just couldn't do it. All the time you were talking I felt as if I didn't belong sitting next to you, being in your video. I kept imagining horrible comments people would leave and I'm too scared to do it." I tell him, resting my head against his shoulder.

"Its fine, baby, don't worry about it. We don't have to do a video, we don't even have to tell anyone but even if there were mean comments it wouldn't mean anything to me. It wouldn't change a thing, I'm not going to stop loving you if a couple of bored teenagers make up some crap about you. I love you and Thor and that's all that matters. Okay?" "Okay." I reply, nestling into his neck.

"Come on then, let's get up from this floor because I can't even feel my royal behind anymore." I giggle as he stands up and then pulls me up too, "How's about I run you a lovely hot bath and then we can go for a nice meal? But leave Thor here with your Gran." "That sounds perfect." I say, already feeling the stress and anxiety flowing away.


	45. Our Wedding

Phil's POV

She was utterly breathtaking. Sure, she wobbled just a little as she started walking down the aisle on her uncle's arm. Only my sharpened sight noticed the slight catch in her stride and the nervous tightening of her hand on Mitchel's arm. But that was my Jess. She concentrated herself on each step so hard, her face was strangely serious. I couldn't help smirking just slightly at her worried expression; tripping over her own feet was her greatest fear for this day…not the fact that she was marrying a famous YouTuber.

No, wedding herself to a famous YouTuber did not concern my Jess in the least, of course. As long as she didn't fall she'd be fine. I smiled wryly; my girl was extraordinarily fearless woman. I couldn't help but look for Thor, he wasn't in sight. Jess's Gran was there but no Thor. Then it occurred to me something must have happened. But I shouldn't worry about that at this moment.

No matter how long we lived, I would never deserve her –such an entrancing combination of strength and fragility, of fierce loyalty and abiding love. I felt my love for her swell in my heart. I had never loved her so much as I did in this very moment. Once she raised her eyes from the ground on which she carefully stepped, her beautiful brown eyes latched onto mine, and I could see nothing else. I'm sure that her dress was perfect –lovely and graceful on her slim form, modestly outlining her curves in a way that would drive me distracted later.

Later…much later…I would peel that dress off my beloved, and slowly, surely, we would become one in body like we did once before as we were becoming one in heart, mind and soul in mere moments. But I couldn't focus on her dress; I could only see her warm, chocolate eyes –melted chocolate –as warmth and emotion filled them. I could feel my own eyes burning oddly, too. Our love was like that…full, warm and complete.

But somehow, during the passage of these mere seconds, I changed…from a mere boy to a man. My age and appearance may look the same, but I would never be a boy again. I was ready, so ready to step up and become the husband of Jessica Leah Mage (A/N I can't remember the last name I used. I if I even made one). After seeming eons of gazing deeply into each other's souls as she drew ever nearer on her uncle's arm, she was here, at my side forever.

Mitchel slowly removed her trembling hand from his arm and giving me one last glare of warning saying never hurt his niece, he placed her hand in my much larger hand, clasping our joined hands together inside both of his in silent blessing. My eyes burned again with depth of my emotion at the fierce love in Mitchel Mage's eyes for Jess shone as his only niece prepared to give up the name family name and take mine instead. I nodded to him, acknowledging his warning…and promising with earnest eyes to cherish her, always.

He maybe Jess's uncle, but Mitchel would hunt me down and kill me or at least attempt to do so, if I ever let Jess down and I wouldn't…ever. The fact that she had chosen me burned joyously and gratefully in my heart. I knew very well how fortunate I was to have won her love. As Mitchel stepped aside to take his seat, Jess and I, our hands clasped, approached the minister, her friend Ellie's father.

As the minister spoke about our young love, about the value of marriage in our day and age, his words faded away as if I heard them from a distance; instead, my focus was upon the blushing beauty at my side. Jess had never been lovelier than she was at this moment –this moment in which she fulfilled my every fantasy and became mine. My own wife. Our vows were simple, traditional –the same words uttered by so many people, but rarely before by a couple like us.

Jess blushed and stammered a little as she repeated her vows, and I loved her all the more for the vulnerability she displayed. My own replies, while the more audible for the audience's sake than hers had been. Were spoken also from a place of great emotion as I barely resisted chocking up as I made the traditional promises that bound us together, forever. Then the minister pronounced us husband and wife, and her warm, chocolate eyes melted into mine, closing as our lips touched.

It was a solemn kiss, a binding kiss, a kiss of promise. With this searing kiss, we sealed our vows to love, honour and cherish one another…for as long as we both shall live. Our friends and family members conveniently disappeared –I didn't hear them or see them. We were alone as if alone, she was in my arms, where she could always seek and find protection and an eternal love. All too soon, we became aware of our audience, pulling slightly away from one another. Jess hiding her blush against my chest for a moment. But then I knew that my smile was exultant.

As the minister announced our names, my name now hers. I don't think I have ever been as happy as I was in that moment. Joy suffused my mind, body, my very soul, filling me to the brim and over the brim, over flowing magnificently. I couldn't contain myself or my joy as I laughed softly, pulling my beloved Jess Lester close to my side. "Baby, do you know where Thor is?" I ask. "No babe, I thought he was with Gran."

 _What has happened to Thor? Find out next time._


	46. Thor's Death

Jess's POV  
Suddenly I hear gun shots and immediately I run and see the gunman is the same person who shot me. "NOOO! Phil! Someone call 999 quickly." I say whilst crying. "Baby? What is it? Oh shit! No, Thor!" Phil says and starts to cry.  
*20 minutes later*  
The paramedics arrive, "sorry madam, this boy has died." Phil and I start crying again. "Phil, I'm never having children again!" I say.  
*2 weeks later*  
We held a funeral for Thor. On his tombstone it says "A son taken too soon. RIP Thor Lester." Phil and I left immediately. "Phil, we can't live in London anymore. There's too much devastation here. Please can we move in with my Gran for a while until we can afford a house?" I ask him as soon as we got home. "Sure baby, I agree there is too much devastation. From you getting shot and losing one of the babies to Evan passing away before he even turned 1."

*1 month later*  
We finally bought a place of our own in Manchester. Well when I say place I mean flat. At least it's nowhere near where Dan and Phil used to live. "Baby, I love this place. It's got potential and that's what we need in our lives." I say to Phil. Phil knew that I started to become depressed, he tried to stop me from cutting my arms but he unsuccessfully failed. At least he's trying. I started smoking as well, which is really bad for my lungs but I don't care 'as long as it gets me closer to death I'll be fine.' I thought. I know Phil hates it when I smoke but this is my way of grieving for our son.  
"Jess, baby please stop smoking and cutting yourself for me. I don't like it. Plus you're only hurt those who truly love you." One day when Phil went out, I decided to go to the bathroom and cut my arm again. I just like the feeling of my blood dripping out. But this time I cut vertically in the words of Tate Langdon "Cut vertically as it makes harder for them to stitch it up." But this time Phil didn't actually leave the house this time. He said he was but he didn't. He went to his room and when he heard me thump to the ground he immediately called 999 to come and take me to the hospital.


	47. Surviving

I woke up in a bed in a room with Phil crying in his hands on the chair next to me. I woke up and had stitches and blood stains on me. Phil had not noticed me and he was saying to himself " This is all my fault she's gone gone gone forever" I looked up and said "P P hill" no noticing I had a really bad voice. Phil looked up and kissed me. He explained that I lost a lot of blood and I needed surgery ASAP. He said that Dan, Louise and Gran were outside. Gran was the most stressed because she was thinking that she would use her only accessible family member.  
I fell asleep after Phil's talk. I woke up in a different room. It was white and I had a person at the other end of the room with a pipe attached to their arm. I asked the nurse what was going on and she told me that a donor had signed up to give me blood. I don't know why I was here. they should have let me die! I felt bad since we had to pay for this and mostly Phil used his money he was saving that he got from when he signed up to be a teacher for 2 days. The surgery helped me with my lung cancer (which I didn't even know I had). I don't see the point in living. I was starting to wake up. The room was empty and there was uh blood? I hope it wasn't mine. I saw a weapon with blood on it and a stab wound in y chest. Nurse Angeline was on the floor with blood all over her! I tired to call the nurse but the phone line was cut. I ran out to see Phil behind a police line freaking out. I flinched in pain everywhere. Phil laid me down on the bench. We said that all the surgery was complete, and that I got to go home in 1 week. Gran was there and she was very scared. She was shaking and was crying. I looked up to her. Louise was there doing the exact same thing, but hugging DAN! Dan said she was scared and just latched on to me.  
*Le Timeskip 1 week 1/2*

Uhg. IIt was 3:OO pm Phil and I where at Albery Bakery, then this girl came up to me. She looked like my old best friend from high school. Kerry was there with uhg Matthew. HE WAS MY OLD BOYFRIEND. I need to tell you this. I was dating him for 2 years. At the school dance while me Ember, Erie and Scarlet were talking, Kerry KISSED him and he said I love you and gave her the necklace he gave to me (Erie, Scarlet and Ember are part of my story! I AM SOOO SORRY) anyways hes dead to me. LOL! anyways lets get on with it. she FRAKING CAME UP TOOOO ME AND SLAPPED ME! anyways Phil grabbed my hand and we ran out an dashed for the tube. We goooot home and yes, I watched Fairytail, yes I am queen anime ( /fairy-tail-origina... ) so yah. Then Phil made my favourite dinner food, Ravioli (I think you spell it like that) so we ate and we had ice creams together. as I was ready to go to sleep at 11:00pm like always, and thinking about last week. The police thought Angeline killed herself after stabbing be but I think not. Even if the world exploded I knew it wasn't Angeline. I knew it. It was _ (Find out next chapter) . He was the shooter. killer of Evan and shooter of me. He was him the donor. the killer. That would be evil. I went to sleep ready too give proof that it was _ who committed to crime. UHG I cant sleep. I decided to take Phil's advice on a midnight snack. I saw him. He was in the window climbing in. I pushed him down onto his friend and closed to window and locked being surprised. I was SO nervous to actually do that! He's gone.


	48. Happy New Year

p style="color: #222222; font-family: -apple-system, '.SFNSText-Regular', 'Segoe UI', Roboto, 'Lucida Grande', Tahoma, Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25.5px;"Happy New Year! I hope you've enjoyed reading this story in 2015 and I hope you enjoy it even more in 2016/p  
p style="color: #222222; font-family: -apple-system, '.SFNSText-Regular', 'Segoe UI', Roboto, 'Lucida Grande', Tahoma, Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25.5px;"~Phangirl/p 


	49. Call the Police

NOT FINISHED PLZ DONT KILL ME


End file.
